I guess by not making a choice at all, I am making one. But I don't want to make the choice so I'm not going to. And that's that. Whatever comes will come. I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button the other day. I liked it. I think Brad Pitt is really good in roles like that, just like ummm the one I always forget the name of... Meet Joe Black. yeah I had to ask Carlos.. Roles that require someone of sweet character and innocence. It's weird that I don't really care for Bradd Pitt in real life, but in those two roles I really do. I'm also reading a book titled Brida right now by Paulo Coelho. I've already read The Witch of Portobello and I liked it. This one I think I may like even more. It's about a young girl on the path to learn the Old Traditions of the Sun and of the Moon. She learns from a magus and from a lady named Wicca. hehe I want to find my own teachers. I want to go on a pilgrimage. I've wanted that for so long now. I want to go somewh...
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I got a 96.55% on my science exam! fuck yeah. I mean it's not rocket science, but still, I did really well. And I got over a 90 in my policy class too and I'm happy with that because history and law stuff is really NOT my thing. I just wanna get my math mark and see how I did in geography. I fucked up on one assignment and so I hope I did really well on my final. I'm not sure why I care so much but I think it's because school is the only area where I've really felt in control and like I could excel. "It's coming on Christmas, They're cutting down trees. They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace, Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on."
It Shines, It Spins, It Glows (almost visibly) I have waited my whole life to see That one look on your face If I knew that someday, Someone so beautiful Would be looking at me that way I would never have been afraid of anything Not of growing up Not of losing my way Not of getting my heart broken All of it would have been so trivial Because I would have known that So much better was coming my way If I could capture that look, Put it into a bottle with a stopper It would be my most prized possession I would wear it around my neck, I would keep it in my pocket I would weep tears of joy before it But I do not have to Because I have you Every night, I get to see your face I get to see those eyes I get to see that look And I am so thankful I am so humbled I am so full of everything That I have ever wanted And all I want now Is to be everything that you need
I'm doing some math right now at work. I started studying for geography but got bored too fast. I'm replacing someone today and I might replace another girl tomorrow. I can't complain though because the money is needed. I went to the old place and got my christmas tree out of the locker. Sarah and I put the tree up and it's lovely. For some reason though, I'm not in the holiday spirit yet. I'm still waiting to be happy. Why aren't I happy already? It must be partly my own fault. I want my place to feel like a home and I want to feel the Christmas spirit. I think that I will wait a little longer (while actively trying to be happy) and if that does not work out then I will make whatever changes I believe are necessary. I had a really bad dream last night. I felt what it was like to truly have your freedom taken away from you. It's a very BAD feeling. Every right we have we do have to hold on to and fight for.
I think that I want a weekend to myself. I want to be alone to read, to meditate, and to see if I still feel like a witch at heart. I think that I will always be, it's just that I let so much come in between me and my spiritual goals. It's a fault that I am not sure how to correct. I feel very connected to something most of the time. I think I am a lot more connected (or at least more aware) than most people, I just never devote my time like I should. Lately I have seriously been doing nothing. I mean I have been going to school and working. But in my spare time I could accomplish so much and yet I don't. I guess that will be the goal for this Christmas vacation. Retrace my roots. Get in touch with my soul. I am also going to learn to play guitar.
So I'm just at work listening to Pooh & Friends favorite songs. hahaha right now it's hefalumps and wozzles. Anywho, the highlight of my day is that I do not have Willingdon later AND I'm going to go and see the movie Twilight. W0ot W0ot! It better not ruin the books for me. I started learning to play guitar last night. I'm real bad but I've never learned so I guess I can't really expect to be any better. Carlos is going to teach me some stuff and I will also learn myself. My fingers hurt today from last night. I was just playing the part from The Lion Sleeps Tonight. That's about all I can do so far. My fingers are gonna get callouses for sure... I guess that is the price you pay. I'm so down tho! You know what I want to learn eventually one day. Yep yep! How to play the harp. That's always been my master goal. :) Okay I need to change this music, I'm gonna go crazy. hahahah I wonder if I will have kids today. Considering that it is a ped ...
Wow, my neck is really sore. I can't turn it properly from side to side :( I moved/cleaned for about 6-7 hours yesterday. That was the last of it (besides a few bags that we have left to donate) and I never want to move again ever in my life. I still can't get over the fact that my boyfriend didn't even help. He actually sat on the couch and watched us carry everything. I mean cmon, who does that? We aren't talking now so who the fuck knows what's going on. I have an exam on Thursday and I just want to direct all my energy towards that. Plus this poster presentation I have... It just sucks because whenever things are not calm at home for me, I can't focus properly. It's weird though because I never used to be like that. I think I started excelling in school because it was easier for me to dive into that than to deal with the shit going on, but now I can't do it all all. I barely even slept last night. I couldn't, so I just got up in the middle of the...
I'm soo delusional. I want things to be okay, but I don't think that they really are. When a stranger is more willing to help you than the one that you love, there is obviously a problem. Fuck Nintendo wii, fuck getting high, and fuck broken promises and empty futures. If I would have known it was gonna be like this I would never have agreed. I even said it at the beginning and he fucking promised me. A promise is a promise is a promise.
Things are okay. I think that I just have to let this one go and try to have some faith. i don't feel very well this morning but more physically than emotionally. I made blueberry pancakes... maybe I didn't do such a good job ;( I think that when you move in with someone you just have to let things settle down a bit and get used to each other. It's hard to be with anyone all the time so I guess it's natural that arguments will happen sometimes. Eeks I hope I'm not going to throw up, i hate that. Umm today I will finally get the old place all cleaned up and ready to be signed over to someone else. I like our place here. It just needs some fixing up and it will be great.
Why would I think that this time would be any different than the rest? How many times am I going to go through the same situation? I always hope, I always see the potential. It's a beautiful shinning thing. But you cannot base your life on someone's potential. You have to base it on the their actions. And what do you do when you love someone so much that it hurts but their actions are way below their potential? You give them time, you give them chances. Over and over again. Hope falls like leaves on a tree until their are no hopes left. (Geisha movie, whatever it was called)
Fuck man, I hate men. Well not all men. But I hate men that talk to you while starring at your tits. Fack. It so makes me wish that I didn't even have boobs. Like c'mon. And I could tell this older dude just kept thinking of any stupid bullshit to say to keep me talking. But what I'm I supposed to say? Hey you! stop fucking starring at me. >? I dunno. In reality I was just like, alright well I have to go to the washroom. BUt it really pisses me off. Anyways... Last night was pretty retarded. I hate fighting/arguing/whatever with people that you love. It's never worth it in the end. But there must be a way to discuss things properly without pissing off either person. The new place is coming along. But we still have WAAAY too much stuff. it's kinda crammed in there. Hopefully we'll figure it out. It's kool having a dog and a cat though. It's also really wicked having a fireplace. I told myself I would spend this morning doing homework if I didn't...
Wow, I had a fantabulous birthday weekend! I loved it. Even the moving... Not so much the bookshelf that fell on me, but the rest was pretty good. Our new place is a giant mess, you can barely get from one side of the place to the other but very soon it will be lovely. A lot of things went down this weekend. Friday night dinner at Toyo's, soo good and a nice surprise! A super romantic night that followed the dinner. We had a fire going in the fireplace and it was really really amazing. One of the most romantic times of my life, probably the most romantic time actually. Then some Wii playing the next morning as well as some preliminary packing. Then birthday dinner at my Nana's. OMG the best cheesecake ever!!! holy crap! I'm gonna get the recipe and Carlos is gonna try to make it. I love being with friends and family. And Sunday, we spent alllll day packing and loading the truck. Unloading was surprisingly quick though. I think we are all pretty sore today. Something unexpe...
I just wanted to say that so far everything has been amazing and I am having a great birthday. I love my baby soooo much! I'm looking forward to the rest of the day, mostly the part that comes after work and school. And tomorrow night too! 24 huh? I'm not sure how I feel about this. Definitely getting older. On the one hand I'm eager to move on with life, evetually get married and have children, and on the other hand I'm kind of hesitant to let my childhood, adolescence, early 20s go. I don't really have a choice though so I might as well look forward to the future and be happy. I'll always be a kid at heart anyways. Thanks to everyone who made/makes me feel special on my birthday. It means a lot cuz i'm still a little punk who gets hella excited on her birthday. hahaha
This morning was kinda shitty. I feel blah. I don't like starting my day feeling like that. Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope that it will be a good one. I think it will. I'm in class right now and trying hard not to fall asleep. I always seem to fall asleep in this class. It's not even a boring class. Just something about the time. Plus the class isn't very interactive. I just stare at a powerpoint presentation. It's interesting stuff though geography and environmental problems. I had a paper due today actually. Three weeks left of the semester plus exams. There is always a countdown near the end. I was thinking this morning that I kind of feel burnt out. I haven't even started my official career but I feel tired. I was thinking of a solution because I don't want to be feeling like this when I start teaching. So what I think I am going to do is stop working at Willingdon, and take a break from working with kids. I think that I will miss it a lot and will be ...
Tonight is the first night that I don't feel like I'm gonna have a stress breakdown. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe because I finished my paper that is due tomorrow. I'm not sure. I'm going to play some guitar hero while this lasts though. We've begun moving Carlos' things into the house. Mine will be moving in this weekend. Halloween will also be happening. I'm going to Laurie's Halloween party so that should be a lot of fun. I had a dream about what I should dress up as so I must work on that costume for Saturday night. :D
Some of these were just too good, I couldn't resist. hahah overheard in new york! Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?! --Chinese School We've Both Agreed to Raise a Spitter Father-to-be: So my wife won't give me head no more. Friend: Why? Just cuz she's pregnant? Father-to-be: Yeah. She keeps saying anything she eats the baby eats, and she don't want it eating my jizz. --N Train Not "I'll Fuck You" Good, But Good Nonetheless Construction worker #1 to hot girl: Damn baby, did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven? Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes) Construction worker #2: Your name must be Candy 'cause you look so sweet! Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes again, laughing a little) Construction worker #3: Nice shoes, wanna fuck? Hot girl (laughs hysterically): That's gotta be the best I've ever heard! --65th & Broadway Unfortunately, They Also Like to Make Gen...
New Home So we gave a deposit this morning, and we will be signing the lease on Monday. After that, we can start moving our stuff in. I'm excited and sad at the same time. I'm just sad because I really like the place I have now and I will be sad to leave it. I understand that it is way to small for three people to live in though. So this new place... how was it rate? Location: amazing (like two block from where i am now, near my granny's, right near Sarah's work... like literally 5 minutes away walking) Greenery: Spectacular! Actually it we be hard to find a backyard with more nature than the one we found. IT HAS GRAPE VINES for god's sake! Real ones, with grapes that you can eat! It also has a pear tree and a plum tree and flowers in the summer. Fireplace: It has a room with a fireplace! Oh my god. Seriously, I've wanted to have a fireplace my whole life! I already see how I'm gonna decorate for Christmas and how the Christmas tree will fit in that room. Th...
Tyndale Tutoring Experience (I just need a place to record this information for later) I had my first tutoring experience at Tyndale on Monday, October 20, 2008. I was working with cycle 1 elementary students (grades 1 and 2), an hour with an English group, and then an hour with a French group (well Anglophones learning in French, immersion or completely in French). The teacher or facilitator I was working with was named Amanda. I help a boy, sulakstan, work on a story for his journal. The hardest part for me here was knowing how much to expect from him and how picky to me. As an example, while he was writing in his journal, he would write some of his letters with capitals although he was not beginning a new sentence. I was not sure whether he should already know the capitals were only for the beginning of a sentence or whether I should just encourage the fact that he was writing in the first place. In the French half, i was working with a girl, Destiny, with her math homework. She h...
Aujourd'hui je ne travaille pas a Willingdon mais j'enseigne les enfants en mathematics a Tyndale St. Georges. Au moment je suis au travail a Club Atwater. Je suis fatiguer et je dois etudier pour mon examen Jeudi en politiques en education. Blah, je n'aime pas ca de tout. J'ai envie de dormir. J'espere que l'enseignement cette apres-midi va bien aller. J'ai un peu hate. hahah je n'ai pas les accents sur mon ordinateur. Je vois aussi que mes phrases en francais sont un peu bebe. Je ne peux pas m'exprimer comme en anglais mais c'est amusant d'essayer. Bon, alors je vais etudier pour un peu puis je vais faire un the (accent) en haut. Peut etre si je fais des blogs en francais de temps en temps ca va m'aider a practiquer. Ca prend comme double l'effort... hahah
Doing my usual Friday morning routine, at work studying... I think that my science midterm should go well today. Here's hoping at least. Tonight I don't want to do any homework or studying at all. After my shift at Willingdon, I'm gonna go home and work on my puzzle! I should post up a picture of it, it's coming along boy. hahaha it's a lot of work tho but I enjoy it. I force Carlos to do it with me muhahahaha! :) I love that lil hombre! :D Guess what I'm listening to here at work? Yep! The Jack Johnson miester! I'm also about to eat a peach. Yum yum! I am just rambling because I don't want to study anymore. I really should look over the powerpoint presentations again though... oye Halloween is coming up soon! I haven't even had time to make any plans or decide what I am going to dress up as... I was thinking about dressing up as JEM but shhhhh it's a secret!
I'm in the library at school right now and I am soooo tired. I just want to go home and take a nap. I had my geo midterm this morning and it went so-so, could have been better and could have been worse. I would go home, but i have to do a lesson plan in my text class. It's only worth 10% but still, i would rather not lose those marks so I gotta start. I'm seriously sleepy tho. One class to go after my next one and then it's home to study for my science midterm tomorrow. Man I just wanna break. I would take the weekend but I have to study for one more midterm and work on an assignment. It never ends. Ahh but it does because there are only 6 more weeks of this semeter. so muhahaha it cannot last forever! After this semester I will be half done my degree in education. I will have one semester of class left and then one year of stage. I'm looking forward to the stage, I hope it will be a good experience. Ok, off to work on my assignment now. My wrists are actually tired...
I want to go and travel. I want to leave Montreal for a while. I wanna teach in some place warm and far away. Far away from men and from relationships. At least far away from the ones I've been with and the ones I've been in. The cycle is always the same and I want out. out out out out ! ! ! I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with someone from another country and then leave before it has time to get serious. Before it has time to be ruined. Before the person's faults come through. Before I have to give them just one more chance. Before it becomes abusive. Before I lose myself. I want someone who won't hurt me. I want someone who I will not hurt. I want someone who can hold me and make it better. I want to be a monk. I want to be spiritual. Relationships kill my spirituality. This isn't love.
Happy Birthday Jesse! Hope you have a good one. :) I woke up feeling better today than I have in a while. I think it's just stress related to school. I have one big paper and 3 midterms next week, so needless to say, I've been freaking out a lil bit. But I started the paper so now I don't feel as overwhelmed. I also started to read The Giver last night. I have always wanted to since high school. It's interesting so far but it definitely has a creepy vibe to it. Halloween is coming really soon and I'm way behind on my planning. I freaking love halloween. Damn school stress, I still don't even know what I'm gonna be. I'll have to figure that one out very soon!!! Oh man. !! okay that's all i'm gonna say for now.
I have to stop this Jack Johnson obsession. All I listen to at work in the morning is the Jack Johnson, Curious George soundtrack. hahah I really like it! And I came to work today and there was a new Jack Johnson album: Sleeping Through the Static. Actually I never really liked Jack Johnson, only the curious george kid stuff but... I got curious and I put in the new album. I REALLY LIKE IT! Uh-oh... I'm really tired by the way...
So I might be getting a new job at the Y instead of at Willingdon. I'm not sure yet. Not sure if I really want the other job, or if I will get it. I love the kids at willingdon but the management and some of the other staff members are making the job suck. This new job would be working with Teens which is something that I wouldn't mind doing. I guess it'll give me a good comparison between lil ones and adolescents. I like working with both groups. I will really miss my Willingdon kids though so I really really have to think about it. Also school is absolutely crazy this semester!!! like seriously. so much math and other stuff to get done. I guess I got used to only having 4 classes per semester and now that I have 5 and my two jobs, it's a lil intense. Hopefully it'll all be worth it in the end tho... Okay i have to get to my next class. Tonight i have to do more math or really get my geo paper started. I think i'll stick to the math..
My Inclusion Manifesto (not fully edited yet) I have many strongly held values pertaining to education and specifically to inclusion. When I began working with children and at the beginning of my academic pursuits in elementary education, I knew that I valued getting to know every single student or child and helping each one progress in multiple areas but especially in developing their areas of interest. This is where I began, and since then I have come to understand more about how this can be done, with who it can be done, and I have continuously built on this starting point. All children are capable of making progress and our role as teachers is to facilitate and enable this progress in each individual child. When I say in all children, perhaps I should qualify it more clearly. I really mean every single child, children of different: ages, sexes, races, intellectual abilities, physical abilities, interests, learning styles, learning disabilities, family backgrounds, you name it,...
The Bond I Cannot Break Where are you in the distance Can you not hear my words I am screaming for you I am drowning My arms are floundering I need you But you do not come I know that if you did, You would save me A beautifully crafted delusion But there would be an attempt You love me It is I who cannot bridge the distance And so I scream myself hoarse Year after year after year...
First day of Fall... I go over the sorrows of summer's end year after year so I figured that this year I would try to be excited about Fall. Thinking of Halloween really helps. Wearing sweaters is also nice and so is being cozy at home. Carlos and I went to look at condos with his mom this weekend. We ending up finding a town house in a super nice area and I feel in love with it. We'll see what happens though. I don't want to get too excited too fast. It was in D.D.O. and there was so much green around that is was really lovely. The place itself had the entry way which lead into a powder room on the left and then the kitchen and living room straight down the hallway. Downstairs was a cozy basement with a huge storage area and a place we could turn into a laundry room. Upstairs was the bathroom and two big bedrooms. Man, I would be happy to call that place home. And I think that Carlos' mom would be amazing at giving me decorating suggestions. Oh man... i really feel...
I'm going to my friend's baby shower today. He is having a little girl and I'm soooo excited for him. Aww man, I think that she is going to be a lucky lil girl :) She'll for sure have a kool "aunty" Mindy. But now that Jess is also having a baby, I'm gonna be that baby's aunt for real. :D And then when I have a kid one day (maybe I should say if) Jess will for sure be an aunty too! heehe we've been best friends for a long time and we are both only children so it works out well. I mean I have a bunch of half brothers and sisters but I only know one of them and we don't see each other much. I wouldn't mind seeing him more tho, he was always a sweet kid. And we have the same eyes so that's kinda kool. Anywho, soon I have to get to baby shopping. yay!! Woo man I'm so looking forward to having a kids (or kids) one day. It's crazy. Only thing is I really gotta improve before then. I want my kids to have the best mother they can, and ...
Today I want to become a musician and yesterday I wanted to become a geographer. When is it ever going to stop? Will it ever stop? Or am I always going to want to be something different? There is a negative side and a positive one to my restless nature I'm sure. At some point though, I have to dedicate my life to something. It will probably be to my family, but I also want to dedicate it to changing the world in some way through my career. And I think to do that I have to become really good at something and I am not sure how I am going to do that if I have so many different things that I want to learn and become... I can never stick to one path (again, could be a good thing) but I mean i cannot keep changing my university major, or go for ANOTHER degree all together. I want a family including children, and to have that, I have to end up with some sort of stable income, which requires a job and not MORE student debt than I have already accumulated.. If I could get paid to keep learn...
So the trip to Nova Scotia was kool. I posted my pictures on facebook already like everyone does... Things are going alright. I've started back at school. I was not looking forward to it but I've been pleasantly surprised with my teachers so far. I don't think the semester will be so bad after all. One teacher has already inspired me so for that I am grateful.
I'm going to Nova Scotia on Wednesday! I am sooooo excited!!! Woo Hoo!!! I'm on vacation until next tuesday. It's amazing. I've been sooo sick and working long hours and now it feels all the sweeter to be on vacation. WOoo Hooo! I'm going to have breakfast with Carlos and figure out the plan for Nova Scotia and then later i'm going to see a movie with my granny and my aunt. hehehe woo hoo. I'm also gonna take my lil cousin to La Ronde one day soon. Sunday or Monday, not sure which yet. Hopefully I'm fully better tho or else it won't be too fun. I think I should be tho. I'm having the crazy coughing fits today which usually means that my cold is almost done with. I start work and school again soon whcih I don't really want to think about right now. But who knows? Maybe it'll be a good semester. After this one, I will be half done my degree with only a year and a half to go. Fuck it's long tho. I've been in school fooor evvvvveeeee...
This morning was the worst ever. I wanted to cry. I went to throw something in the garbage and i saw fucking maggots. oh my gosh. I'm not sure if u can relate but I really really really dislike worms. Like i'm super creeped out by them and this was maggots... they are so squirmy and white and soo many and oh god. I don't know how they got there. I guess because I threw out fruit, but really, it hasn't been there long. I changed the garbage maybe 3 days before. Fucking maggots. So yeah, I threw up a little bit. We had to clean the garbage and on top of that there has been garbage bags in my fire escape for god knows how long. Maybe since before I moved here. And well.. I decided that maybe they had something to do with the maggots. so i cleaned it all. OMFG seriously.. the smell.. i dont think i'll ever get it out of the back of my throat. It was like used condom smell. I dunno if u know that smell or how I can describe it.. but well lets just say that I puked a lil ...
This weekend had so many ups and downs, it was rediculous. Let me see how I can tell the story in short form. Umm Friday, well i can't remember Friday so I guess it wasn't that important. Saturday I woke up at my boyfriend's and helped paint his parent's house because they are going to sell it. I put some paint on his nose, that was actually the best part of my whole weekend I think. After that I went home to get ready and have dinner with my friends. The dinner was awesome actually. That's another highlight. We talked about lots of kool stuff. Girl talks kick ass. After that our little friend foursome went to a club where our friend works. It was an alright club but i felt freaking old again. Lots of 16 years olds in that club. But it has a terasse under the stars and that made it better. We danced a bit. Wow this isn't so short after all. We danced a bit. Then my boyfriend called because his car died, cuz he was giving a lift to really big guys and his exhaust...
I feel really old. Like I'm passed my prime. I missed all the time to be goofy and fool around and now I have to be all serious. I missed it man. I feel oooolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd! I think it's cuz I work with kids and my helpers who are like 16 and 17. but shit, I really do feel old. And there is soo much stuff I wanna do while I am still young. But i don't even feel young anymore. seriously wtf..
We're all on this crazy train and it's really hard to get off. Next summer, no matter what job, i have to get a week off. and during that week i have to be by a lake at a cabin. that is just the way it has to be. :) I'm so tired. I worked from 845am till 9 pm last nite, with only one like 10 minute break. today i just wanna stay in bed. when my alarm went off I couldn't believe it. Life is alright though. Summer is amazing. and i think i will nap today. nap or work on my puzzle... or clean... prolly not clean tho hahha
"don't you know that why is simply not good enough" I want someone to try and be good to me. Just like the song. Because so far no one is good enough. I settle, I think that I have always settled for less than I deserve and now it's time for me to stop. I should expect certain things and nothing less. It's hard tho because I have that problem where I always think I can help people, I want to make them better, I want to heal their hurt. But you know, all of that takes energy and sometimes all of my energy isn't even good enough because really they do not want to change at all. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have a lot of things I have to change and improve upon but for once I'm down for someone to help me. To allow me to become a better person and improve. I'm down for receiving some energy instead of always giving it. That's a lie... I have one friend who always gives me energy.. he really helps me to become a better person all of the time. ...
this wind is love the only caress the only answer a lover all my own and everyone else's it moves me almost to tears definitely to love Love love love that is it's whisper every summer it returns it may leave for a while but it always comes back it will always come back because of you and only you I live i let it in i am i am i am The only time, The only season Everything to me
Lately I feel as though my life is a book or a movie. I'm watching it from a distance but it's not really me. Maybe it's because things feel a lil more relaxed right now than they did... But actually they are still kinda stressful. I feel like there are more friends/love interests/ people then I can deal with and I'm just starting my new job and there are A LOT of kids... So i'm going through all of the motions but I'm not super involved in any specific one. and i dunno it's like time isn't existing for me right now either. One day just leads into the next , and the next. And i'm not following any normal sleep schedule. but you know what? Sometimes I am really happy. so I guess I will just go with it. I've been playing lots of guitar hero as well. ha ha alright well if I'm cracking up... you've all been warned.. hehe naaaw i'm really okay. it's just an odd time in my life.
So I think I made a new friend and that makes me really happy. Not just an acquaintance or whatever, but someone I would actually like to chill with on a regular basis. She's fuckin funny. Too bad she is leaving to Europe soon and will be gone for the summer... Oh well, still, it's pretty kool. So right now I'm at work at the Atwater club but I'm doing work for my Les Amis job. I've so far planned 5 of the 8 weeks. I really hate planning but I think I have a lot of good ideas and the summer should be really fun. Plus it's good to have it all done and then not have to stress about what to do with the kids everyday. I'll know and I can change it up whenever I want to. I think that I'm actually going to really like this summer job, plus the working in the park on tuesdays for cultural events. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get to do face painting. W0ot Wo0t! Last night the new friend, aka Kuki, slept over and I don't think any of us got ...
Man, whenever I am starting a new job, I get sooo nervous. I don't know what it is but since about 5:15 am I haven't been able to sleep. hahah I like to laugh at myself a little bit because there is really nothing I have to be nervous about. I'm just weird like that. But I can tell when I'm nervous because I wake up WAAAY before I have to and then i look at the clock about every 10-15 minutes. Quite annoying actually... Anyways, hopefully everything goes well and I'll get all my nervousness over with :D hahah
So I think I'm over my fever. It's sooo hot here tho so it's hard to tell what is just the weather and what is fever. I slept well last night, I should have slept for longer, but at least it was a good sleep. I'm at work, no kids here and i forgot my book. I need to find something to amuse myself with. I suppose I will start planning stuff for the summer. I can't wait to go swimming!!! Some time this week for sure!!! Montreal West pool is open at least. Benny takes a long ass time to open and is one of the first to close. So swimming soon and the first fireworks are on June 21 Wo0t W0ot! It's France. For sure I'm going to go. I love summer. Yesterday I read my book on a towel in the park. Got a little sun. There was some creepy dude around though so I cut my stay a little short. I fucking hate creepy people. hatred. do do do man! i have so much that I want to write about but not for public viewing.. oh well... I will just keep going over stuff in my head.
I saw M.I.A. last nite! It was fuckin awesome!!! It was even more awesome because I had almost given up but I decided last minute to just go down and give it a shot. We got down there, found a scalper and got tickets! Okay so i paid about double the price for them but man it was worth it. And it was the turning of sarah's bday.. so what better way to begin then at an awesome show :D Other areas of my life are kind of screwed up at the moment but.. it's nice outside :)
My aunt told me that I am in love with the idea of being in love. She is right, undoubtely. And knowing this, I'm not sure what I can do. I suppose I have to get from loving the idea to actually working on creating love/ making it flourish within and around myself. I will spend my life trying to and hopefully succeeding in doing this. oh... and I liked the movie very much.
This song just came on the radio that makes me sad. umm phil collins, another day in paradise. Why can't the dude just help her? :( So things are slowing down a little until June 16 when I start full-time. I'm excited and not excited all at the same time. I went to pick up M.I.A. tickets last nite and the show was sold out. That sucks ballz... but I mean I'm glad that she's gotten that much more of an audience in Montreal now. Still, it was the only thing that I have let myself look forward to in a while.. Last night I hung out with Marcus and I tried to learn how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. I always come so freaking close and then I lose it. One day tho... I will master the skill :) So I don't forsee any kids coming in today so I may just watch blood and chocolate on my laptop. Apparently it is a good movie. Sarah's daddy told me so. :) "tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make u feel beautiful" I love ...
I wrote this Monday at work. Dunno why I haven't posted it here yet. It was a really strange writing experience because at first I started off being the first person speaking... but then somehow I became the other one.. weird... I was trying to take the perspective of another and I did it but then i changed mid way through... anyways... here it is: Hold Your Hurt How long have I been here? I’ve lost count The same place, the same stage Over and over again I hear you laugh, I hear you cry And here I sit idly by I wait to touch you I wait to be the comfort you seek The one shining example Of something better But you have to do it on your own You have to try to make it alone Why? Why he asks me again and again Why can’t I let him in? It’s hard to make someone understand Something you barely grasp yourself I laugh with others But I cry alone I hear your cry in your sleep And each time my heart breaks I hold you and hope that it’s enough But come the morning I know It’ll be like nothing...
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season" Love, relationship-wise is sooo confusing. The different feelings each person experiences, the way they play out... it's all some kinda giant mess albeit sometimes a good and comforting mess. The other day I was speaking with someone and he was telling me about some hard times he went through. I was listening and I really loved just listening for once. Not thinking how I could relate to it or how it applied to me, but just listening. It's been a while since I have been able to do that. Afterwards he started asking me some things and he concluded that I haven't been through many rough times or struggles because I am too optimistic about things and happy. I didn't know how I felt about that. I'm still not sure. At first I wanted to say hey, you don't know shit about me or what I've been through. B...
I'm not sure if I want to keep this blog anymore. I think that I might as well just keep a private journal instead of an online one. Then again, this blog thing is really convenient for times like now when I am writing from work. The CUTEST kids came in today with their mom. She asked me if I do babysitting as well... hell ya for those kids! hahah adorable!! She lives in montreal west which is awesome because it's so close to me. She has 5 kids already and looks so young and pretty that's it's almost unbelievable. I hope to have the same good fortune... not that I think I'll be having 5 kids but still. I'm really looking forward to falling in love one day and starting a family. It almost hurts to admit that but it's the truth. I prolly have a ways to go first tho... school, traveling, figuring out what I really wanna do with my life... I'm hoping it'll all work itself out somehow.
So I got the job Wo0t W0ot! I'll be speaking French every day of the summer mon-fri 9-1pm :) We'll see how that goes. The funniest part is that the kids are all anglophones and I have to pretend that I don't understand them when they speak in English. hahahah Alright so today is the big room/house clean-up. Go me! i wanna just get rid of tons of shit although knowing my pack rat tendencies, I prolly won't get rid of very much at all. I'm gonna try real hard tho..
Stagnant I feel that there is something that I should be doing with my life that I am not, I just don't know what it is. I complain when I have too much going on in my life but now that I have a lot less, I don't even know what to do with myself. Today I have a job interview for the summer at least so that should give me something to do. This weekend I am going to be hella busy so that's good too. I spent the long weekend in Toronto. Nothing special really, but maybe that is because I did kinda touristy things whereas I would have much preferred just chilling with people and hanging out/ partying. I did go to a castle and do archery tho so that was wicked. I'm actually a decendent of the amazon warriors... haha I'm not but wouldn't that be kool? Anyways I suppose I should go and get ready. Wish me luck.
Well this is kool. I brought my laptop to work today and I was able to connect to the internet. I can't get on msn tho... and they have a lot of sites blocked which is pretty shitty. Anyways, now I can blog from work and stuff when I am bored. Yesterday I had an amazing day/night. Work, friends, romance, new job offering... it felt almost too good to be true. I saw When in Vegas and I liked it a lot. I guess it is your typical romanic comedy, prolly a little more funny than most. I really enjoyed it. I also enjoyed having a sweet message waiting for me when the movie was over. Whenever I see movies like that I worry that I'm never going to have what I have seen or that it doesn't exist so it was nice to have something comparable in real life. :) The AC/heat thingy in here is really noisy. I would turn it down so it would go off but I am in my bare feet and I'm sure that I will get cold if I do that. I wonder what is on the menu here for dinner tonight. I love t...
So I'm sick. It's been a good while since my last cold so I can't really complain. It's actually been like a year since I've been sick I think. I'm at the runny nose stage of my cold. I sprayed Otrivin up my nose before but by accident I sprayed WAY too much, wasn't good... My brain kinda hurts a little bit now. So I'm working, but I'm not working too hard. I have to decide what I am going to do for the months of July and August. I'm kinda taking it easy now, which is nice because I don't do it often, but I feel like such a slacker. And I should really be making way more money.. So I must start thinking about what I'm gonna do. What else is there to talk about today? It's nice outside. I'm having supper with Jay tonight. I saw Laurie today. Oh, I bought new glasses. They're pretty sweet! And I think that's about it for now. :) This is the glasses:
I'm not sure if I am disappointed in or proud of myself... I've always considered myself a feminist. I believe that men and women should receive equal rights and respect. I spent a lot of time growing up with guys and I refused to do anything that was traditionally female, such as be a wife, have kids, cook, etc. etc. Now my values have all turned around and I'm feeling a little unsure about where I stand. I think one of my problems was believing that non-traditional women roles were somehow more important than the traditional ones. I no longer believe that. ?They are not. I believe that having and raising children is possibly the best/more wonderful thing you could do. I want to have children. I quite possibly even want to get married (although not ever in a church). (Have a been brain-washed? have my natural female/maternal hormones kicked in? Am i being courageous or cowardly in changing my view?) I've become social worker and a teacher... female-dominated,...
It feels and looks like it is so beautiful outside today. I think that I am going to go and do my studying in the park today. I love this weather! I had my interview yesterday for the snotty club. My boss actually seems pretty nice. I start training next week! She said I was a shoo in (shoe in?). So yay, every shift comes with a meal, how sweet is that? It'll be a good job to have while I am in school. Another 2 years of school and then that's it. Knowing me, I will prolly decide after I graduate that my true calling is to become a nurse or something... but until then, things are feeling pretty good! My cat is crazy and she seriously does chin-ups in my window. She also goes on the prowl and hunts spiders so that is kinda kool. One less spider for me to swallow in my sleep. (you know that statistic that each person swallows about 8 spiders annually or something...) I feel so free lately and I love it! Today I have work but only at 3:15 so until then I am free. I...
So I think that my friends are going to help me start a professional site to bring some attention to my poetry (mostly Laurie, but also Andrew). I'm shy, but I'm also really interested in the idea. I would love it so much if people got to see what I write about and thought it was worth something. My heart is actually beating faster because of the whole idea. Forget about the idea of making some money, which is definitely kool, but imagine lots of people actually reading the stuff I write. Makes me very excited, but also pretty nervous and shy. Who knows if anything I write is actually good, but then who knows what good actually is. As long as someone likes something, I guess that makes it good to them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so therefore the beholder can define beauty. I won't talk about how I reached that conclusion... hehe but thanks to Sarah for that one. :D Wow this could be really kool. I just hope I don't become some like website hoe...
I keep getting job offerings... I like this. :D I'm a substitute for a daycare now whenever they need and I'm going to start working for this high end gym looking after kids while their parents work out. Which is kool because after a while, I get a free gym membership Wo0t W0ot!! Plus, sometimes there are no kids so I will be able to get homework done, if I keep the job while I'm in school. Pretty sweet! I don't know if I am going to renew my lifeguard stuff... I don't really want to guard anymore.. but I guess it is always an asset... so maybe i should. bah.. So i'm pretty set jobwise until the end of june. maybe then I will apply at air canada.. or maybe i'll just be a bum and take the summer off. How freakin' sweet would that be? I don't think I could afford it... and I would actually probably get bored... but still.. it's a nice thought!
The weather gets nice (sunny) and it's like bam, instant happiness for me. I don't think that will ever change. I wonder if I would be happier living some place where the summer lasts longer. Or where they do not have winter. I think that I probably would. Although maybe having such a short summer here makes me appreciate it all the more. I love, love, love it. I have about 6 days left of classes. Amazing! What am I going to do when they are over? I feel like I should just lie in the sun everyday. I guess that I will apply for a full-time job from May until August. I've been offered a job at the YMCA downtown because the pool at the YWCA closed, but I'm not sure if I want to lifeguard anymore. If I do, I think I would much rather lifeguard outdoors. But if I do take at least one shift, I get a free membership to the gym so... that could be very beneficial for me. I think that I will try to get one or guarding shifts the the Y here in NDG, that way it would be much clos...
I used to be a lot happier on my own. I got accustomed to being with other people all the time and now I don't know how to be happy by myself anymore. I've started to read the Golden Compass and it's amazing so far.. but it feels like I'm waiting for someone to come and chill with me. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just miss hanging out with a big group of people all the time, like in high school. I don't know what's going on with me. I think i have to do more social things. I barely did anything with my time all weekend. I saw my family and that was great but besides that I spent a lot of my time waiting for someone who I'm not even sure was worth waiting for. Well I will be sure to go out and do something fun in the coming weekend. :) Right now I'm gonna go take a bubble bath and continue with my book. It's really well written, it's like I'm in the story already. I love books like that.
I was hoping for it to be good, for it to be special. Instead it was self-deprecating. It's always the way with things I put my heart into. With things I look forward to and am excited about. It always hurts in the end. Obviously it makes me not want to put my heart into anything, not to look forward to and get excited about things. What kind of life would that be tho? It seems sad and without hope. Maybe I just have to live more in the present. Not think about the future or what is to come, but make the present good, make it special. Make it all on my own.
Blog 2 (submitting for class) Lately I have been really taken with watching documentaries and reading various websites about conspiracy theories. Some of the things I hear about still seem pretty crazy to me, but some of the other things, not so much anymore. It's fascinating that there are so many topics that I have never given any thought to before. Whether they are true or not is not so much the point as there being a whole range of possibilities that I have never considered. I guess what sparked writing this blog is that I have begun to consider how stupid and easily manipulated people are, myself included, and whether this stupidity is being encouraged (or fanned like a flame) among us. I think that it is. There are so many things that governments (or secret societies...) cover-up, change, and deny that it makes it difficult to know what is really going on. We obviously cannot leave it up to the government to tell us the truth, so whatdo we do? It is a scary thought that we ar...
this is not relevant at all... it just made me laugh. Jay says: im sure itll look amazing on u and that fat guy will still say ur a terrible lay lol Mindy says: LOLLLLLLLLL Mindy says: hahhaahaha Jay says: if im having such a hard fucking time finding out... theres NO FUCKING WAAAAAAAAAAAY god would let that pudgy fucker find out! Jay says: unless ur really into heavy guys and in that case... come on... dont make me put on 30 pounds... i gotta lose 10 now anyway... lol Mindy says: pfft hahah Mindy says: hahah it's not up to god
Alright so last nite was a little bit crazy. I thought my appendix were bursting. it was scary. I woke up at like 3 15 am and was in super crazy pain. It was on my lower right side and then i went online to check which side ur appendix are on. it's the right. so i was kinda freaking out. cuz the pain was kind of intense. I tried to let it pass bt it's didn't. so at like 3 30 i woke up sarah and told her that i didn't know what was wrong with me. poor sarah. so we looked up more appendix stuff and then we decided to wait a little and see what would happen. Cuz i would feel like an idiot to go to the hospital with just cramps or something. so ya it turns out that i wasn't my appendix and it was just crazy ass cramps. I went off the pill like two months ago and ya... i guess i'm gonna get my period. holy shit tho... i never ever used to get cramps like that. like before i went on the pill, i had no pimples, no cramps. now after the pill i'm getting killer cramp...
Alone alone alone alone alone alone alone superman's dead? So I am just thinking that if this idea of soulmates and a real kind of everlasting love between two people does not exist then I am just living under and for false pretenses. I am really in pain about something and I am not sure what it is. First of all, I'm not sure if it is real to begin with because I just got off of the pill and I am sure that all of my hormones are out of whack. But whenever i just have time to stop and think, I feel bad. I mean sometimes I am happy, and genuinely so, but this feeling just always comes back. Is it because my relationship with Chris is over? I guess that is probably it, or at least a big part of it. I know that it is the right decision so it is not doubt that is causing me pain. Maybe it is just that I wanted to bad so find that everlasting kind of love and it is just further proof that I did not and maybe cannot. I guess I am worried about never being able to find it... or i...
A Long December (u know what i mean... january) So i am LOVING school this semester. How crazy is that? I haven't loved school in a really long time. What am I not loving tho? My home situation... gawd damn it doesn't even feel like my home anymore. And it is so hard because ultimately I just want him to leave but I feel also like I don't want to hurt him as much as I can help it. Who would stay tho? It's kinda weird. I understand that he wants to save the friendship... but I think time is needed there before we can before friends, let alone close friends. I am tired of dealing with the situation. I told him last nite that he really has to get himself in gear and get out as soon as he can. He said that he would get stuff done today, including telling his parents that we are no longer together. geez it's been almost a month and he still hasn't told him. I know he isn't close with his family, or at least not as close as I am with mine, but still... he sho...
woah there is some female usher on tv, kool! I feel better today all of a sudden. I was feeling kinda crappy all day. I might win my fight against getting sick, we'll see. So my classes seem like they are going to be good this summer, but they also seem like a lot of work. I have to get working on my presentation that is already due next week, crazy huh? I'm feeling alright tho. Best when I am not at home, but that will all be good soon. :)
I just want to rant a little bit. Not to anyone in particular but just for my own sanity. Ok so i was dishes and he was laundry. There are sooo many piles of laundry around that I want to scream. I have always done the dishes. Now he isn't even rinsing his food off like not at all. There has been a plate of pasta sitting on the kitchen table for days. Along with dishes he feeds Hoju with all over the bloody floor. He hasn't bought Hoju food yet and he is just feeding him my food. Like my rice. I mean I don't mind, but I know he isn't going to replace it. He hasn't paid any of the bills... which some are way overdue.. and why should he? He is not in a rush... they are all under my name anyways. He told me the other nite I better not end up with like a super responsible, always bills paid and records kept kinda guy... but fuck... it has to be better than this. last nite he was supposed to be working and he was just sprawled on the couch on my laptop. I wanted some fri...