The Last Day of Summer

I had an awesome night last night at McKibbons. I'm so in love!! yay Today at work was brutal. I'm not sure if I had a bit of a hang over but I didn't feel to great. PLUS I had to endure hours of people bitching and complaining as always. AND I found out that my favorite person at work, Melinda, is quitting!!! :*( pfft! Now i'm gonna be the only Melinda, that's so sad. I thought my plans for tonight were gonna be all screwed up. But apparently everything is still on minus one. Funny how things work out, hmmph... Too bad I'm not dropping my nick's party tho. I would have liked to see him and adam (and laur and ash if they are going). Poor adam... i've barely seen or spoke with him since he's been back. :( Anywho, I hope i get to chill with Jesse, Marc and Katie another time, it was pretty fun. woo hoo for spring rolls ;) HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

Inferior They try to tell me that out of jealousy Girls sick their unralenting eyes on me But, they see what's there, they see the fraud I look at my reflection Over one hundred times per day Not because I think I am beautiful Hope has me continually searching To find beauty rushing to the surface One glimpse, one trace, one glimmer of value Day after day I'm forced to face This talentless, transparent crystal Begging to be a diamond.

Merry Christmas everyone! There is so much more that I want to write but I just don't have the energy or the strength.

A little shaken So i was cleaning my room tonight and looking at the keyboard that has been on my floor for I don't know how long. I wanted to learn, I was trying to teach myself. It's hard but i think i may have been getting somewhere and then I just didn't have time anymore. I should have found some. I want to be able to play. After the keyboard, I wanna try to learn the guitar. Anyway, so I remembered this easy book my aunt had with christmas songs. So weird the way things happen... I went to look for it in the bookcases in the hallway. It used to have a green cover, for some reason it doesn't have a cover anymore. I found it but not before I found something else. I found Suzie's old like first guitar lesson book. I already have her guitar in my room and I've been thinking about getting new strings for it. It had a paper with her writing in it. They've always told me how much I am like her in ways. Her writing is similar to mine... Some things are di...

Frode is THE BOMB!! Give him sex and presents!

Why wouldn't my eye doctor's appointment be on the coldest day of the year? So I'm off to the bank, then eye doctor and then I'm walking over to hand in my essay at mc gill (done with school now till jan 3). Days like these really do make me wanna hibernate. Maybe I'll be a bear in my next life.

Grumpy much? Wow. I was in SUCH a tired/pissy mood today. What do they expect tho when they have me work till 11pm and then starting at 8 am? Tell me?? Ya so I was a bitch today. But now I'm better because I am home and I don't have to do anything but write an essay (ya ok that sucks) and play Mario Sunshine (yay!). ok for once, I'm not in the mood to write anything so I'll just stop here.

Yuck... Well I'm going to look at these next few days as the shitty part you have to get over to get to the good stuff. I worked yesterday, I'm working today, and I'm going to work tomorrow. I also have to find time to finish my essays for greek myth in between my shifts and then Monday I forgot about it, but I have an eye doctor appointment. yay!! (sarcasm) Man, I hate going to the eye doctor. When you have to put your chin on that machine and the eye doctor puts his face really close to yours, I always burst out laughing. It's like I can't help it. I just giggle and then he usually thinks that I am crazy. But geez, it's weird. haha ok well this time I will try not to laugh. After Monday, I do not work until friday (ya, I know, New years Eve) but I'm only doing a shift from 12 to 7 AND I don't Have to work on Christmas!!! I'm so happy about that, I was really nervous that I was going to have to and that it was gonna mess up everything. But yay, I ...

I guess it's time to face it... again. My granny and aunt have been telling me how weird my great grandmother has been acting lately. I've been making excuses for it to them for a while now. Like maybe she just forgot, maybe she's lonely, maybe she just needs attention blah blah. Any excuse for why she is acting the way she is, I've tried it. Today though really confirmed it for me. Jess woke me up this morning at 10 30 and as I was hanging up the phone my great grandmother called. And i got the voice... She does this like oh my god annoying voice. Like a mock worried voice which sounds genuine until you realize she can switch it off in two seconds. ANyways so she is like Oooo did i wake up up? so i said no, my friend did. and then the voice switches ... "oh ok then , tell granny I called" so I said ok bye. Twenty minutes later , maybe not even, phone rings, i say hello. I get "Oooo did i wake you?" I'm like umm... no... I'm awake already....

I'm so scared right now. I'm not sure if I've ever been this scared without actually, well being scared. I don't even know how to make that make sense. Whenever I am in a relationship... I seem to have this little voice telling me right away that this person could be really great to know but he is not the "one". I kind of gave up on the idea of finding someone who you'll just know is perfect. I figured that you don't really have to love someone right away and that it could grow. Which it possibly could in some cases i suppose. But right now I can't find one thing about Jesse that is possible for me not to love and this really scares me. There is alway something about people, there is always a voice. And now that there isn't... well I feel lost. It is like I have this disbelief that I could have actually found someone who I could see myself being with for always... this it's not possible. Thinking that I might have is terrifying. Umm I am s...

I could be so much more than this... Man I really like this song (My Sundown- Jimmy Eat World). Anyways, all I've been doing all day is studying on and off... mostly on. I feel like I'm going to go insane any moment now. I just want school to be over with for a little while. I just wanna relax and appease my hedonistic side; it is somewhat over due. Not that I always work and study because I do not but I'm always worried about school at the very least. So once the final is over with tomorrow and then my last essay before next semester is written... I'll be free. Or freer than I feel right now. I don't work until friday so I should be able to have a good week! Tomorrow is a busy day... test, shopping with katie, gym (maybe) and jesse! We'll see who is the "marmotte". lol pfft! Maybe tuesday evenining I'm going to get the 5 little essays done, I really just don't want to have anything to do with school for a while anymore so i wanna be done wi...

And on the seventh day she studied Should I start this post with the good stuff or save the best for last? ok ok thursday night I had like the best night ever!!! And now we are officially together (ya ya I know laur is gonna brag that she knew this before I did ) If you are reading this and don't know who I am talking about then you are way outta the loop my friend. ;) Jesse is super amazing. I think I've finally gotten myself into a meaningful and good relationship. When you've just seen the person and you already miss him... it's a good sign. And now for the more trivial meaningless things... Tomorrow I have to studied my ass off because I have not begun and my final is Monday... Tonight at work some woman pitched a real fit at Chris... It was funny once I knew it wasn't me that she was going to yell at. Umm, some dude came to my cash tonight and like I didn't really look at his face cuz sometimes I'm just in my own world but like the way he spok...

Gym high? I went to the gym today and worked about for almost 1 1/2 I guess. I personally think the the trainer was trying to kill me, but in a subtle sorta way. Oh boy! The program he designed for me is nuts! Maybe I am out of shape at the moment but it is still nuts. If I follow it through tho... I'm gonna be like super girl in a couple of months. I have to do SQUATS! Do you know how funny someone looks (well especially me) doing squats? Oh man... and with a bar or weights. Nuts I tell you. Then were is all this machine stuff for my arms Oh AND i thought I was all good with my abs cuz i do sit ups sometimes and so he asked "3 x how many reps?" and i said 50! I'm such an idiot! hahah he does like torture ab workout. I have to put this like massive ball between my legs (ya ya i know that sounds funny) and like put my legs out straight and lift the ball up and down up and down ... bringing my legs to like 90 deg. then back down but never really touching the floor....

SOOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE! i just got back from my interview for my stage placement next semester and the interview started at 9 am. (it's now past 1 pm) I got to actually start today. It was awesome! So I am working at the Montreal Oral School for the Deaf in the Daycare with 3 & 4 year olds! It is a really good experience. Some kids are hearing, some having hearing aids and some have coccular implants (operation where a device after that stays on your head like a magnet and you can hear). I got to sing with them, read stories, play outside (one girl kept trying to run me over with her little bike, she's pretty funny), help them with their snack and then taking off all their winter clothes. I think that I am going to really enjoy working there and helping them out. The teacher, Lee, was telling me that they really need people to help out. Maybe I'll even do it after my stage is finished. Hmmm see now I am little bit worried. I really liked ...

A little while no post. well classes are finished now, only two finals and one essay to worry about now. That's not even my main thought now tho. My main one is that I hope things will work out between myself and the person that I really do like. i'm sure you all know who that is by now ;)

Time Catches us All I just got home from seeing Finding Neverland. I thought it was a really good movie and yes of course, I cried. The actually concept of neverland is amazing... a place where you never grow up. Lately i've been thinking of why we have to make all kids grow up and if we ever really have to at all. I mean of course we have to learn and become education but do we ever really have to let go of alll the magick we felt as kids? Maybe that is why christmas is so important to me. Christmas is one of the times where I felt the most magick. And it wasn't just excitement because I knew that presents were coming. It was the whole believe in Santa and in love and everything. I remember as a little girl I used to sit by the kitchen door and stare up into the sky to look for Santa and his sled. Sometimes my aunt or great grandmother would sit with me. And sometimes I would just sit there for like an hour alone before going to bed and leaving milk and cookies for san...

wow I just had a yelling/crying/screaming fight like I haven't had in i dunno how long. This jerk at work pissed me off and then I get home and my granny goes off on me. I fucking dropped my jacket and she started to say i have no respect for anything and I just throw my shit on the floor and blah blah. I fucking dropped it. So i yelled I DROPPED it OK@?!? and went off down the hall almost crying. So then i calm down I come back and i asked my granny if she was mad cuz my mother called. and so said NO I"M MAD BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST LIKE HER, I CAN"T SAY ONE WORD TO YOU WITHOUT YOU FLYING OFF THE HANDLEBARS. SO i like i"M JUST DROPPED IT! and i went down the hall crying like a big idiot. That's a good way to hurt me tho, say i'm like my mother!. anyway she came in and apologized and with both cried and hugged and blah blah. She explained that my mother had called and was nice and then all of a sudden went off on her. MY mother fucks everyone up... myself inc...

Last night I had a weird/funny dream. I dreamed that I was watching a talk show and the guests on the talk show were all the gods and some heroes from my greek mythology class. Apollo was there and Zeus and it was really odd. I can't remember the main issues but there was something about flooding somewhere and I think half the gods were pissed at the other half. Then I had another dream where I had left pharmaprix to go back to work at St. Huberts and this dream was a nightmare. I was screwing everything up and I had no idea what I was doing. I had to do like 100 things at the same time and I wasn't just the take out cashier or a waitress but I was everything. The woman supervising me was hella pissed at me too. Anywho... lately I've been having mostly bad dreams. Today I went back to Dawson to pick up my diploma... I skipped my first class this morning and went back to bed after eating a chocolate chip eggo. Don't know why i didn't plan it out last night instead o...

One of the girls I work with now is from South Africa. Isn't that awesome? Man I am really desperate to travel. Anways, she has a really kool accent that I haven't heard before. It took me a while to really hear it but wow, it's awesome. It's kind of British like but not, I can't really explain it. I'll get her to talk to me more and then try again. :)

Merry Christmas Ok so Christmas really means something to me , ok? I love Christmas. Right now it is making me nothing but sad though and it is still more than a month away. My aunt told me that she was going to put up my lights soon. I absolutely love the Christmas lights that go in my window. I was really excited for her to put them up. Today she tells me that she isn't going to put the lights up in my window this year because she got this little star/snowflake decoration that is so much easier to just put up. When I heard that it was like my christmas was already ruined. Like why would someone want to take the little joy i get from them away? I realized I was being way over dramatic but I really love those lights. So I said that I didn't want the star in my window and that I was really looking forward to having the lights and she said that she wasn't putting them up. So i said fine, I'll put them up myself. That's what I did today, put the christmas lights ...

My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World Album : Bleed American Submitted by : Emanuela Corrected by : Nicolle =] I see it around me I see it in everything I could be so much more than this I said my goodbyes This is my sundown I'm gonna be so much more than this With one hand high You'll show them your progress You'll take your time But no one cares No one cares x2 I need you to show me the way from crazy I wanna be so much more than this With one hand high You'll show them your progress You'll take your time But no one cares No one cares With one hand high You'll show them your progress You'll take your time But no one cares No one cares No one cares (I could be so much more than this) No one cares (I wanna be so much more than this) Good good bye, lovely time Good good bye, tinsel shine Good good bye, I'll be fine Good good bye, good good night

Trying to figure myself out. Ok... I've been thinking of how to start this post and there are so many ways. It's just something I want to talk about. I want to reveal part of myself that no one ever sees but if I do it I don't want people to be like "I think Melinda's depressed" "Melinda, why are you so sad, you have blah blah blah and blah blah blah" or anything like that. It's just how I am, at least how I am tonight. i'm not always like this and I don't want people thinking that I am crazy. It's not really anything, just part of me I guess. So my eyes are all red and puffy because I was crying. I watched Joan of Arcadia and so I cried. The thing is... at first I am crying because of the show (although tonight it wasn't even that sad) and then after I am just crying because I want to cry. It's like it is in me. I feel an emotion in the show and I cry but sooner or later it has nothing left to do with the show. I am ju...

I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow Album : The Very Best of, The Very Best Of - UK Release Submitted by : Laurie Corrected by : xfhjgf Come to me now And lay your hands over me Even if it's a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe I'm broken in two And I know you're on to me That I only come home When I'm so all alone But I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won't give up on me And I shall believe And I shall believe Open the door And show me your face tonight I know it's true No one heals me like you And you hold the key Never again would I turn away from you I'm so heavy tonight But your love is alright And I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me...

Chemically imbalanced>?? Who me? It is rediculous how my moods fluctuate from one day to the next. Today I am almost deliriously happy. Why is this? Not really for any reason. I am grateful that classes will be done in three weeks (including this one) and that my test in greek mythology today went very well (at least I hope it did). The joyful Christmas spirit is starting to come to me also so yay. My aunt put up the lights on the balcony this weekend and I think by next week, I will get the lights in my room. There are so romantic. I know that is an odd way to describe xmas lights but hey... they have all these different functions like steady burn, slo glo, or as chase. They are freaking awesome!!! My only worry is that I am going to be spending this christmas alone. I'm not talking about family or friends (not to sound ungrateful for those because I am grateful) but I mean someone to share my happiness with and save me from experiencing what I did last Christmas. Christmas/...

Hurricane [Insert Name Here] Like a tropical storm You pour down Brilliant, powerful and dangerous In your presence I lose myself My hands turn blue From trying to resist, to cling To anything stable Anything that won't make me feel As if I am falling A lamppost, a telephone pole Pulled away, drawn to you Taken over and taken in Completely soaked in your torrent Losing my grip finger by finger There is only you My senses are flooded I am blown away My resistance dissolved entirely And all you had to do Was whisper my name (should I add "... but you didn't"?)

Happy to cry... Joan of Arcadia made me cry ... again... It was such an amazing episode. There were so many little things to catch and I prolly missed some. But the whole part how Judith made the guy memorize Hamlet for her (tragedy where leading female dies) and just as he is finished it, she herself dies. And how Joan can always keep a part of Judith with her and just so many things. That show is soo good to me because it is really moving and it makes you think (as well as cry if you are like me). I am happy to cry because I can actually feel something. Experiencing something through a television. Before I was thinking about what it would be like to be someone else with a different kind of life. It just feels like I am not feeling enough right now. I know I am actually experiencing a lot and to use the simile katie did, it is "just like the earth is always moving but we never feel it". But I want to feel it. It's like something is missing. Lately I feel as if I have...

So c'mon, I dare you to ask me how my first day being 20 went? Only I could have a story like this one to tell... So I go to school... I'm in greek myth... what I think is my back starts to hurt. I get on the bus after class... my whole lower stomach hurts also, I think that I might be sick. I get home, take of my jacket, lie on my bed and writhe in pain. I get up to the living room... tell my granny and aunt that I think I might actually be dying. They laugh, I laugh and I continue to not be able to find one comfortable position. Pain gets worse... I'm grabbing on to the couch cushions as if that will help me. I'm like moving frantically under the pain. My granny and aunt ask what's wrong. I can barely talk anymore or breathe. I wonder if I am actually dying. The pain comes worse still and they ask if they should call an ambulance. I try to say no and almost cry out with pain. Tears start streaming down my face and I'm crying. Emotional pain ok.. i cry. Movie...

Awww, look at this layout. Isn't Laurie sweet?

Well well if this is a true horoscope, I would just like to say... Bring it on! Here is your horoscope for Friday, November 5: A certain someone who's just confident and sexy enough to actually keep you interested -- is making sounds that suggest the feeling is mutual. Make sounds back. Why not? we'll see about that. I just got back from work. It's been such a long day: class from 8:30 till 4 :30 and then work from 6-11. Wow. Now I have to go watch the OC and Joan of Arcadia YAY! Just to state: The Green Day concert last nite was fucking amazing!!!

A guy hissed at me in the metro today after I got off and he was walking to get on. Just thought that I would share that.

"some of my biggest fears. lonliness. the simple spelling of that word makes my stomach turn. the taste of darkness at 12 in the afternoon. when the earth is cold. when all things are hard and jagged to the touch. and no one calls your name. desolation. i would run from it like a demon from truth. i hate lonliness. it scares me with undeniable passion. i fear it more than death. and in turn it has owned my existance. it controls my thoughts and my actions undeniably. it dictates my decisions and my desires. i would do anything to avoid lonliness. now you know my weakness. now you know the secret entrance to the opaque fortress of my heart. so sneak in. aim to kill. i'll fight you to the death. never let go of what keeps you safe. never let go of the hand that dry's your tears." Jacob from the band Hedley wrote that. I just figured I'd share because he writes some amazing things. If you wanna read them go tohttp://www.hedleyband.com/

You Are Stellar The show Incubus put on last night was amazing. For a few pictures, go see Laur's site. http://www.spinklefendor.net We both dressed up and so did that band, it was really kool. Anyways I was really hoping that they would play Stellar and they did, right in the middle of everything. I went nuts. :D They didn't play the warmth and I miss you but I was satisfied with Stellar. They also played some kool songs I had never heard before so I'm gonna go on a mission to download them soon. I'm hoping I'll enjoy the concert on thursday as much. Should be fun also. Ooo I got an Incubus t-shirt also, I forgot to take a pic tho, i was wearing it early. I'm sure I'll wear it again soon tho so next time. I think i'll get a shirt at the green day one on thursday also. hehe yay!

Those sad, helpless eyes I was driving with Jess and her mom the other day and we saw that a dog was hit by a car. We stopped, turned and went to see if it was alive. We got there, got out of the car, saw that it was alive. Jess' mom was trying to get the cars to stop, a van didn't stop. It ran over the dog again. I went to see it, it was still alive. Another car stopped, a guy picked up the dog so we could take it to the vet. I was sitting in the back so I held it on my lap. I was talking to it and trying to make sure it kept breathing and conscious and stuff. Not that I really knew what I should do but I just kept petting and talking to it. The guy said "at least if it dies, it'll have someone that cared for it during it's last hours". That made me think of like an angel of death... Anyways, it had this fucking cute bandana around it's neck with pumpkins... So we are driving and it's breathing and it's eyes are open. We are still driving, seem...

Watching a Slow Death You�re lost in a world A world that is on the outside Beyond the limits of my knowledge Some place where I cannot go Where I cannot rescue you from Only you can set yourself free Your self-constructed prison Is what keeps us apart The worth of the next high Is far more than I ever imagined Can you not see past it? Of course not, stupid question It is too bad that you are oblivious To everything I would have given up to have you I CAN�T UNDERSTAND Your lifestyle makes no sense Is it just substance abuse or A way to run away You are killing yourself slowly And do not think that it is not killing me

Discovering the meaning of "shop till ya drop" Last night I went shopping with jess at fairview and I spent over $200! Bad me, yes I know but... I got really nice stuff Woo hoo. Jeans, skirts, shirts and like and over shirt ohhh la la Anyways, after shopping I got home at 9 something and went right to bed. hahah this morning I woke up and decided not to go to class because I was tired and really didn't feel like it. I called Jess just now because we are supposed to hang out again today and she didn't go to class either. In the words of Jesse we are some "lazy cats" lol , it's true! Sooo I'm gonna learn how to drive today and actually go out onto the street. heheh people better watch out! ;)

I knew it would make me cry I went to see Ladder 49 tonight and man, my eyes are burning. I was really crying, can't remember the last movie that made me shed more than a tear or two. Bah! I hate crying in movies, i feel like such a big loser. But it was sad ok so leave me alone! Hmm well maybe I'll go take a bath now and relax a little before I worry about my homework.

Another blast from the passed Sooo I forgot to mention how I saw Laea the other day. I FINALLY got to see her like after 4 or 5 years. I also saw her baby girl, Imia (not sure if that is the right spelling) but ya SOOOO CUTTTEEE!!!!! The girl is 6 months and she also has a son who is 2 years old. She is actually moving like right next to me soon, whenever they finish renovating the old appartments where I used to live. How awesome is that? She might actually move into my old one. ooo I'm so excited. I told her she has to come over with her two kids. heheh I'm gonna get to play with them and stuff... lil kids are the best! Ya it's gonna be very kool because they are renovating all the appartments and making them into affordable house and housing for single parents. YAY! there are finally gonna be some people my age and younger around. Not just old people everwhere which i think is really groovy. Anywho I also saw this dude today from St. Huberts, he was my fav guy there...

Fiew, I passed Although I had to wait about 5 hours from the time I got there till the time I left, I passed and have my learners permit. I get it in the mail in about 10 days.. Yipppeeee! Now Jess is gonna really have to teach me to drive. It'll be fun! Anyways Carlos actually went with me to the place because I didn't really know where it was so that was super nice of him :D GO him! Hmm work called me to go in tonight because someone called in sick but I said no because I have to work on my essay. If I didn't though I would have went in. Now that I know mostly what to do with everything, I enjoy it a lot more. Plus money is always good. Anywho, I'm gonna go eat some food since i'm starving (yay my granny's subs) and then I'll work on that essay. I might see Carlos later tonight, I'm not sure.

Well mostly all I did this weekend was work.... oh ya and get an MRI so surprisingly enough, I don't have much to write about. I went to laur's house for like 3 hours today and watched a movie; Mr. Deeds. God, I want to be in love. Those little sappy movies ( I LOVE Adam Sandler) make me realize how much I am missing. Ironically enough, I watched the movie with laur and her boyfriend so ya... lil loner Mindy sat at the bottom of the bed alone. One day that'll change though... lol you'll all see. I'll finally develop an amazing taste in men and one will just fall into my lap. YA and then I'll wake up... i know i know. But for real... can't I just have an awesome boyfriend who I love and who loves me back and ... ok i'll stop now.

The MRI So I finally got the MRI for my knee. It was a little scary. I had to get an IV!!! I didn't feel too good about that... i actually thought I was gonna faint. I don't know when that started... When i was little I used to have to go to the hospital a lot and get blood tests A LOT and I never really LIKED it but I never felt like I was gonna faint... well except for the time they took like 6 or more viles but that doesn't count. Ok so ya they put the IV in like half an hour before I went into the machine. I had to take off all my jewlery because they said it would burn if I went in there with it and i had to wear a hospital gown also cuz if you wear your bra in there that will burn also apparently. Weird. So you get into the machine, all your body except your head and it started to make all these crazy noises. It makes the same noise for 5 minutes and then a different kind of strange noise for the next 5 minutes. Finally for the last 5 the lady came and stuck the ...

Miss Michy So this is for anyone who went to marymount and was in my class. Today at work I saw Miss Michy (we called her that instead of Michelle) and she says hi to everyone. We had this be long convo (well for a cash line it was long) and she was blown away that I'm in university now and that it was so long ago that I was in highschool. She is a teacher at sacred heart now. She is sooo cute. hehe she asked me all about my life and stuff and ya it was awesome. She was like the best student teacher ever! We did Hamlet with her I think. lol anywho ya she wanted me to tell everyone that she says hello. So I just wanna thank Annie for coming to visit me at work today, you're the best! muhahah I hope you have an awesome birthday!!! We must go parfume shopping soon. Ok well i'm off to bed because all I do is school, homework and real work so i'm freaking tired. I miss someone MRI tomorrow... hope everything goes well.

Mitten and Flipflops Right... so what the hell is the point in wearing mittens if you are going to wear FLIP FLOPS. I mean sure... keep your fingers all snug and warm and let your toes freeze, makes perfect sense. You people can start wearing boots like 2 months too early yet when it actually gets cold, you chose to wear flippers. OOOOKAAAY!! So i am in a pretty bitchy mood. Well not a pretty one actually... This one lady at work pissed me off and I didn't even work today I went in to buy some stuff... grrr I'm supposed to get a 30% discount and now that they made the system all fancy dancy my stupid optimum card doesn't work. The lady tells me to come back and buy it tomorrow after work WELL HELLO... I kind of need these tampons now. THANKS! (I should have warned the guys to avert they're eyes or put some sports on hahah well too bad) TAMPONS TAMPONS TAMPONS. can you handle it? Hahaha ok sorry. Don't mind me... Anyways... I have tons of homework to do bu...

Once upon a time I had a life Yes, that's right, i did. I didn't always have to either go to school, do schoolwork or go to work. I used to be able to chillax and watch tv or go out on weeknights and especially weekends. Hmmm whatever happened to that? Hopefully once midterms are over and done with, I will regain whatever life I used to have or maybe an even better one.

The Balance So yesterday I must have been feeling shitty because today was going to be wonderful. This morning I found out that I was approved for a loan/bursary and that the bursary part will be enough to cover my tuition. That made me so happy because I was afraid that I was going to have to spend everything I am making working on school and wouldn't have any money left for anything else, such as christmas presents for family, traveling and some shopping for myeslf. Anywho yay! Further more I got my medical anthropology essay written today and I will continue to study for my greek myth exam later tonight. I had dinner with my family at my great grandmother's which was also super nice, we had chalet BBQ. The whole thing was arranged though so they could give me my birthday present early. They said they had to give it to me now and that I would see why when I opened it. So i was all curious and opened it and found a brand new cell phone waiting for me. It is super nice, in...

It must be me (after all... i'm bred for mating) I don't know what it is about me, if I wear a "feel free to violate me" sign on my back or something without ever realizing it's there but I have to find a way to get it off. Nothing even super bad happened tonight, i can just see it progressing. I don't want it to get to the point that it did at st. hubert's and have my manager trying to have sex with me in the room in the back. My manager at pharmaprix is being overly friendly. At first I wasn' t sure if he was just one of those touchy people because as I was complaining to someone about the way he is they asked me if I would find so much if he was tall, dark and handsome and then I thought I should consider it and not be so aggravated. But I've considered it and if I don't want someone touching me, then they shouldn't be touching me, that's it that's all. So ya this dude always puts his hand on my waist to move me over or touche...

Don't bring this to an end I've been having a really wonderful day and I would like for it to continue like this. Lately I've been happy. I mean I've been stressed out also because of school and work but overall I think i've been happy. I want to come to a conclusion about what is making me this way or what number of things are. I'm hesitant at the same time to write about being happy because I know it could all go away by tomorrow or any minute. My moods usually fluctuate a lot, day to day, but ya overall I think i've been pretty happy. Anywho, why am I happy today? Well... I got my assignment handout for medical anthropology and I was really worried about it because I have two other essays to write and a test to study for and so I had an hour and a half break today, where I went over it in the library. It isn't bad at all, I feel pretty capable of being able to answer it and do well. I already started brain storming my ideas and if I concentrate pr...

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More of a post to remind me of what I want to write in the future OK so the other nite I was with Jess and I was totally explaining all my beliefs about the world to her and it actually kinda made sense. Although I'm sure I won't be able to repeat it in the same way. I just want to remind myself that I should make a whole other section on the beliefs I have developed thus far and that way I could keep adding and refining them, it's nice to have it written down somewhere. Anyways, it's basically about this essense that everything comes from and how people get different parts of this essence, as do all living things, and when death occurs, we return to that essence. Also how people get all different parts and this explains differences in personality and why some people match better together than others because they're essences come from about the same part and ya ok too confusion to try to sum up , I have to go on a big rant. So be prepared, that is coming soon. ...

"You don't know what it's like to watch someone so beautiful be ruined by a drug". (Some dude from CSI Miami talking about his sister) But unfortunetely I know all too well.

Mon dieu So I worked today for 9 hours and at times I wanted to beg someone to shoot me. It was pretty miserable, especially considering I'm new, there were HUGE sales today, supposed to be 3 cahsiers but were only 2 and well I could go on and on. Anyways it was hell BUT I had a moment. All of a sudden I went from being extremely stressed and nervous to like "who the fuck cares". After that happened, everything just went better. If I screwed up I just called the head cashier dude to fix it because I was thinking... you know what, i'm new and therefore entitled to screw up if you are gonna put me on a crazy shift like this. THings were sold out and people were yelling and me and like I was like "well sorry. bye" Ya I don't need to take that crap, I didn't organize the stupid sale or store. So yep, not my problem. I guess this could sound bitchy but I used to be so stressed I would almost be shaking and then I just had an epiphany. i'm sure I an...

I really really want to go to Greece now. After my greek mythology class today, it's a must. I want to go to see the temple type thing at Delphi. I just got to see a picture of it today and it looked amazing. Wow, I can't wait to travel. I'm looking forward to everything so much. Now, if I can just get through all the midterms I have coming at me now, I should be fine. I hate all these papers and things worth such a big chunk of my great. I can't believe that in some classes only two assignments determine your whole grade. Like for one of my social work classes, I have a 30% paper and an oral presentation worth 50% of my mark. 50%!!!! (the other 20 % are participation marks... those I must say are pretty sweet) What else? oh on wednesday nights there is this show that plays on past lives where they hypnotize people and then hear what they have to say and then do research on it to see if the person that the person under hypnoses talks about could have really existed. I...

Happy I had a really good weekend. Made some money, had friends over and got to talk to Jesse. :D I also, surprisingly, got some homework done in there so I'm good to go. I'm skipping my first class today but it is just a conference and they don't take attendence. I have a little time to waste before going to school and so I'll prolly read my medical anthropology stuff. I work this week on tuesday, thursday and saturday. Saturday I'm doing a 9 hour shift... I don't know how I'll be able to handle that. 9 hours is a freaking long time to spend in Pharmaprix. Laur is going to apply for a job also so that would be fun if she got it. They are looking for more cashiers so we'll see, as long as she hurrys up. So Jess and I have been planning to go on a trip to Europe for a while now and we think that it might actually happen. We are gonna try to go with 4 people for this summer. How amazing woudl that be? I really want to travel and I want to do it wh...

Can it be? I am liking work, liking it a lot. It's soo different from St. Hubert and yet I am almost doing the exact same job. It's nice not to be sexually harrassed though I must say. So it's kinda late and I should be in bed but oh well... I'm playing Minesweeper with Jesse. I had my victory over Laur today so he is my next victim. muhahahaa Today I modeled my Pharmaprix outfit for him. Heh it is really sexy. The pants are tapered and the shirt is like 5 sizes too big. Muahahaha. I'm a real dork now so you better watch out. School tomorrow, school always. School school school. Good thing I kinda like it. Except my 3 hour class tomorrow and then economics. Those are the two classes i dread, all the rest I really really like. Well the 3 others. Next semester I have a stage. 4 hours a week I get to go to pretend to be a social worker. More to observe I guess and be kinda like a babysitter. I wanna work with kids, that's for sure. I don't mind babysi...

All Work and No Play... I had my second shift yesterday, my first night on the cash. The lady training me said that I was doing alright and so she left to go do something in the back. I was all by myself on the first cash training!!! AHHH! I screwed up sometimes but not that much. I kinda like it actually but it is stressful at the same time. I'm sure when I get the hang of things a little better then i will be good to go. I get a 30% discount so Woo Hoo and not just for the store that I work at, for the whole chain. I bought spectro jel (13$ + tax) and toilette paper (8 rolls) and it only came to 12 dollars! lol ok a little over excited there. So I'm working tomorrow and then again on friday. Lots of work but money is good right now. I have to somehow find time to catch up on homework as well as go away for part of this weekend. yay road trip with Jess! OOOO and in other news. I'm going to see INCUBUS on Samhain!!! (aka Halloween) Yep, that's right! I'm also g...

I tell myself the same thing, every time, after it inevitably happens. Don't let yourself fall for people, at least never completely. Once you do, you are no longer the only one in control of your happiness, it begins to depend more and more on someone else. You think that no, this person is different, things will work out and I should just go with it for once. The person appears to really care for me and want to be with me. Even if you aren't absolutely sure, it takes too much to hold up your fences and walls all of the time. You think that if you do not let them in a little more, show them how much you care, then they'll get bored and they'll leave. Who would want to be with someone if they didn't think that there were real feelings underneath? So you let it show, you let them know and what happens next? They're done. You thought they'd leave if you didn't open up more, didn't show that you actually cared but no... it's somehow the reverse. You...

First Night on the Job br> Tonight I had my first shift ever at Pharmaprix. I learned how to face... boy did I learn. I faced the whole freaking store for four hours! For those of you who do not know, facing is fixing all the items up; putting things in their place, pulling older things forward, making sure barcodes match, that all the labels face the right way... yadda yadda. So yep I did that the whole night and I am pretty tired now. But, I liked it somehow. It was fun to walk around the store after and see how nice and neat everything was because of me. The people there were also really nice to me so that was groovy. :D I'm happy. I think on tuesday I learn the cash. We'll see how that goes. I'm scared to have to use the intercom thingy... ahhh! I don't wanna hear my voice blaring throughout the store.

It's funny how as soon as you start to realize how much you care about someone, they disappear. :(

Hey, did you know I go to school with your mom? I was looking around at my class the other day and realized how weird it was. All my life I've been in classes with only people my age, at the most there was maybe a two year difference between me and everybody else. And now, it's like I'm in class with a bunch of people who are already married and a bunch more who already have children. One lady even has two teenage daughters about my age. It would be so strange to become friends with one of them and then realize that I'm in class with their mom all the time. In another sense, I guess it's kool because they probably have so much more experience to share than anybody else. So today I had my first university test and it wasn't as hard as I was anticipating. I think I did already but we'll see when I get it back... if that's how it works in university. Tomorrow I'm gonna go see a movie maybe... Not sure yet. Jess is gonna stay over tho so that sh...

I got a new hair cut. I tried to put it up in the cam section but I haven't done it in a while and I kind of forget. I still see the other one but maybe it'll change. So ya, it's fun how good a nice haircut (and some highlights) can make you feel. I didn't have anything planned for tonight but I wanna go out! Hope everyone is having a good weekend. oh ya... i also did a bit of shopping today. I got 4 pairs of earring and a new winter jacket (pink and white). I'm all set.

Who am i, Who are you? So it has always been this constant quest for me to really know who I am and to understand why I am that way. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, something comes along and makes me start from the bottom again. You know if you meet someone who really inspires you or you have a friend that you just think is awesome? Well when I meet people like that, it always makes me wonder how I come across to other people. Furthermore, it makes me wonder if I give off to other people what I think I am fundamentally all about. It would probably be good to know what exactly that is before I wonder if other people get it but I have some general ideas. I know I post a lot about this getting to know oneself topic but hey, to me it is important. I always like to hear what other people think of me because I think that allows a person to get further perspective but in a way it doesn't make you concentrate on what YOU think you are all about. So who I am? Ok so I...

To the stars and the moon and to the moon and the stars. I can't think of anything to write about these days :( It isn't like there is nothing going on in my life but I dunno, I guess it is nothing that I want to write about on here. Actually, I haven't even been writing in my private journal lately and that is even more strange. Diagnosis? Maybe I'm just too preoccupied with school. Enjoy the summer before it's gone again.

3 Movies in 5 Days So I saw Wicker Park, Hero and Cellular in the last while and I'm gonna just put them in order from best to worst. 1-Hero 2-Wicker Park 3-Cellular Don't go to see Cellular unless you want to witness some very bad acting.

How could I? I went to see Hero tonight with Jesse, I thought it was a really beautiful movie. The way they used color and everything, I was super impressed. During the movie, whenever someone would cry, a tear would only fall from one eye. When the movie made me have a tear or two, it would happen the same way, strange. So as I'm sure all of you know, I always have these well I dunno if I'd call them adventures but I always have something with people I don't know on my way somewhere or home. Lately it has been changing though, instead of being followed, yelled at or harrassed, I've been finding people having uhh I guess health situations. The other day on the metro (i can't remember if I wrote about it here, if i did sorry) this guy with down syndrome or something like it got on at lionel groulx with me and was standing beside me. We got to about Guy Concordia when he suddenly just lost consciousness and fell on the floor. I have to say that I hesitated a l...

Something so silly made me so sad Awww so tonight my little man got kicked off Canadian Idol. :*( I don't know why I continue to watch these kind of shows when the people I like come so close but never make it to the end. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he'll still be a star no matter what so at least that's good. I just think it's funny how things can effect me. I mean if I had never watched the show ever then I couldn't have cared less who got voted off. And so I guess that is how it's like for everything in the whole world and maybe even everybody. I'm talking more important and serious issues now. Maybe because none of us watch all of the shit that goes on in the world or are exposed to what things are really like for other people, that no one really cares. I mean I'm sure the ones who constantly see things going on do but the majority of people probably have no clue. OR maybe we all have a clue and choose to not watch and not see because then...

My Last First Day of School So today I had my first 3 university classes. I had Intro to Social Work, Economics of the Environment and Greek Mythology. They all seemed pretty awesome. Well not so much the economics one but it is still something that I want to learn about. So ya, I had a really great day. Except of course for the lines in the bookstore but hey, not everything can be perfect. I didn't have to wait in line for an ID card or for an agenda so it all works out. Anywho, I met two new people in social work and stayed with one of them who was meeting up with a friend who actually turned out to be someone I know from highschool. Small little world we live in. I look 10 in my ID card picture by the way. Surprise surprise. So what else? McGill has lots of dudes walking around. It's funny because in all my classes (well most) and now in my social work classes they are a grand total of about 3 guys... oh well. Sniff Sniff. I think the world has been telling me to become a...

Why do I want to go back to the past instead of moving towards the future? I was looking through my old e-mails and saved drafts and all that stuff and took a somewhat painful trip down memory lane. I found an old survey from a friend, at the time best friend and at the present time not a friend at all, and I miss how it used to be. I miss it so bad. It's probably even worse because he doesn't care anymore. I don't know why I still do but, I do. I want what used to be but, time changes people and I can't go back in time although, if given the opportunity, I think i would do it. I'm still blown away by how much he used to care about me.

I just want things to go well for once K, so drama queen title for a post, i know. Things go well sometimes and I should appreciate that but lately things are just so damn confusing. I'm nervous about school, just found out I have an older sister, and then there's my love life. I don't even know where to start about my love life. Honestly though i just wanna find someone and be happy. Is that really sooo much to ask for? I mean, not that I am not having a good time and enjoying meeting people and so on and so forth but, it would be nice to have an actual meaningful relationship. Maybe I just let things go by when I should actually put more of an effort into it. I guess i'm scared and at the same time I don't want to disrupt people's lives, especially if those people are happy.

So much going on, so fast All I can say is wow. Today, just a little while ago, I found out that I have an older sister. I always thought that I was the oldest one. Her name is Tina and she is 24. She lives in Ottawa AND has two kids. One is 3 and one is 5, which makes me an aunt! Oh my gosh. So she's been searching for her dad for about 20 years now. And she went on this Benny Farm site and my aunt saw a post that she wrote and then told me about her. So now she is on my msn and we are talking. Her husband saw a picture of me and even said that we look Sooo much a like. This is soo exciting. I know she wants to find our dad and everything but I hope she wants to meet me also. Man... an older sister. wow!

Only the Good Die Young Wow, I had a really bad day today. It is all mainly due to public transportation... So I was taking the train this morning and I got my tariff reduit because I have a bus pass, I get on the train and the S.W.A.T. time comes on in. Ok not really the SWAT team but these stupid train "cops" and the guy checks my ticket out and then tells me I'm getting a fine. And for what? It's not that I tried to get on the train without buying a ticket BUT because I bought the wrong stupid one for a difference of 1.75$. Guess how much the fine is? Just guess... 110$ OH YA! So I'm contested it and hopefully I'll win and not have to pay because it was actually a mistake. I'll give them a freaking dollar 75. Ok so now I went to my McGill orientation and I'm on my way home and the freaking metro guy won't let me on the metro. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I was sooo upset. Apparently the student bus pass that my granny bought me isn't go...

So it's like this I can see beauty in so many people and in the way they are and the things that they do but then I look at myself, wanting other people to find something just as beautiful, and I don't know what is there. Even something like canadian idol (i know that sounds stupid) but when the people sing and really put their emotion into it, I find them sooo beautiful. It makes me think about what I can do, like how I can't sing though I wish I could and about what makes me special. So, I'm going to start really looking at myself and try to find what is there that does make me special. I have enough friends so I'm guessing they must see something there. Maybe it is just harder to see what is good about yourself. I know it's easy to see what is bad. As for talents though... i still don't think i've found my thing. heh, I know that it is not singing. I'll keep looking. I just want to have someone I really like find something special a...

And While I'm Gone So tomorrow is my CEGEP graduation. I'm not expecting it to be fun because it is just a ceremony but it means something to my family so that is why I am going. Then comes Friday and I'm outta here! I'm staying at my friend Steve's for the night because early the next morning his dad is driving us up to camp with all our stuff. So soon I will be gone for the summer. I just want to wish everyone an awesome time this year. If you miss me ever (and I know you) you can write me at camp or even come visit!!! :D Take care everyone, everything's gonna be alright. *Aww that was so perfect. One of the things I was sad about missing was the fireworks competition and i just heard noises that sounded like fireworks so I went on my balcony and couldn't see anything, but then I went into my bedroom and I had the best view ever. :D So i got to see at least one good show before leaving. Soo purdy!

A smile can change someone's world I've had a really good time over the past few days. Tonight is the first night in a while that I've been home. I stayed for 2 nights at Jess's house and then another night at Sarah's and every one was a good one. I've been having an awesome time. Tomorrow I plan to spend some quality time with my granny and plan a little for camp and grad and blah blah. Oh yes, I also plan to eat CHERRIES because my aunt bought some, man i love those! Umm so ya, i have a I'm guillable/ joke with me face because almost every restaurtant I go to or peerson I talk to teases me. I went for amirs with jess and the guys was soo evil/funny. It was near closing time and he was playing all these jokes on me but I have to say it was worth it because he gave me all this free food (even tho i don't eat falafels). I guess I don't mind. Maybe that's why people tease me a lot, i'm kool with it. So ya, I got to mow a lawn this weekend, ...

I didn't want that to happen What a bad night for sleeping last night was. I was all comfy at first and then later in the night I had to close my window cuz it kept making creeping noises and then my foot wouldn't stop being itchy and I just couldn't sleep. Talk about tossing and turning. I think i finally might have fell asleep around 3 or 4 am, something like that and this morning I woke up to one of the most awful dreams I've ever had. I was living in some kinda, I dunno if you'd call it a commune, but anyways I shared a room with my granny and a lot of my friends lived in the giant house with their parents also. So anyways people like Laur were in my dream playing the role of my "friends" and then it went all wrong. My supposed friends started to murder anyone who I was angry at or not happy with. I saw bodies all over the place. One person (no need for naming the dead) had all puncture wounds in him from a rake I think and then he was pushed i...