The Last Day of Summer

I'm going to attempt to put together a list of all the shows/bands/singers I've seen. I am pretty bored and it will give me something to do. It's raining and I've already spent two hours cleaning the cottage. Alright, only in order as they come into my head: -Backstreet Boys (first show, grade 5 or 6) -John Michael Montgomery (actually this was the first show, went with my granny and aunt to the outdoor concert in the States when I was little) Metric The Shins MGMT Brand New Young the Giant Dan Mangan The Do Florence and the Machine Incubus Green Day (x2) Evanescence Coheed and Cambria Death Cab for Cutie (x2) Our Lady Peace (x4) M.I.A. (x2) Eminem Bright Eyes A Perfect Circle Blink 182 (x2) U2 (360 tour) Lupe Fiasco Janelle Monae The Mountain Goats The Joy Formidable (×2) Freshly Ground Sarah Slean (x2) Jorane Ani Difranco Miss Tiffany :) The Airborne Toxic Event (x2) The Flaming Lips Hedley Long Beach Dub All Stars Serial Joe (...

Tales from a Booty Call Your body satisfied my physical desires Even sleeping next to you Watching the rise and fall of your back Gave me thrills All width and stability I went to sleep smiling That was Wednesday night It is no longer Wednesday and I Am no longer smiling I am feeling really disappointed I am more than a physical body I am also a mind and a spirit And while this monkey mind will do it's thing Think it's thoughts Play it's games My spirit is so much bigger than that It is bright and shining And loving It loves beyond measure and judgement It loves just for the sake of loving It is the part of me I am most proud of The very same part I don't think that you see This bothers me But wait, let me turn this inward What am I really interested in? Why when I know the brightest spirit Do I like to roll around in the muck Go for the very ones I am doubtful of Spirits that know only of a sheltered life Behind the ego Is it my ego tha...

Rough Plan for the next 3-4 Years of my Life (of course open to change and not fixed) So I am leaving for Australia for one year as of Sept. 4 2011. There I will get to know Australia, substitute teach, travel (hopefully the majority of Australia, New Zealand, and Bali), maybe get a teaching contract for a few months, and hopefully work on a farm/orchard/vineyard anywhere for a few weeks to a month or two. At the end of my time in Australia I will return to Montreal. Here I will resume substitute teaching, maybe take a short-term teaching contract if one is offered and I will get my TESL certificate (Teaching English as a Second Language). It's five courses I believe (3 online and 2 at McGill) that will allow me to teach English abroad all over. Once I have that, I will be off again. It's not definite which countries I will go to but right now Spain and Japan are on the list. In Spain I will teach English, learn Spanish and see the majority of Europe on vacations and weeke...

Australia I should be there by September 10, 2011, probably a little earlier than that. I hope I still feel open like I do now. It'll be a long-ass plane ride if I don't make friends and a loooong year. For some reason I feel confident that everything is going to work out and that I am doing the right thing. It's great not to be overwhelmed by doubts and fear that I often am before anything big. So I'm going to be subbing in Australia and traveling around for a year. I will be visiting Bali of course. That is a definite must do for me. I will go alone if I need to. Look at me all prepared to travel to foreign countries on my own. I never would of thought I had it in me. I'm proud of myself and I hope that I learn a lot. This is going to be good for me.

So I am in the midst of applying to teach abroad. It's kind of exciting and scary at the same time. I think now is the time to do it, whether or not I can find a teaching abroad buddy. If I go on my own it might force me to improve upon my social skills. Not that they are bad, but I am not always so good at meeting new people on my own. This time it might be in a whole new country with a whole new bunch of people. I got butterflies. I feel like it's the right time and the right thing to do. Hopefully I am choosing the right place. :)

First night so far that feels like summer.

I'm getting real excited for the cruise now. One week away exactly. :)AND we only have 5 days of Insanity yet. I might actually be more excited about that than the cruise. hahah Laurie and I went to Mount Royal today and I got a little bit of color in my face. yay! It's starting to feel like summer.

One more month... So I've been getting more work which is a good thing. I'm still single which is another good thing. I'm getting over my cold which is a third good thing. I have a meeting at the bank today so we'll see how that goes. This evening I am babysitting. I've never gone so long without a goal or a sense of purpose. I can't explain the way I feel but it's kind of like a void. I've always had goals and a strong sense of purpose and lately I just feel dull and like I'm waiting for something. Waiting and waiting. My ex, who cheated on me with my best friend, had the balls to text me this morning AGAIN. I've heard that he has a gf, not that I care, but that's pretty stupid to still be texting me little love messages. I was telling someone how crazy I think it is a few weeks ago when he texted me the first time and my friend made a good point that I can't expect a crazy person to act rationally. Crazy is as crazy does. *sigh...

Getting my Glow on (If I were a def jam poet, this is what I would say tonight) Take your words and your ways Take them far away Get your claws outta my skin It's time for me to begin Anew Without you, or you, or you I've had enough Been listening and listening For six long years I've got blood Red in my ears Been so long since I've been Free Taking the time to get to know Me And this girl, she's Wicked cool She doesn't need You (or you, or you) To make her feel Good To knock her down When you're feeling Bad No, she's better than that She likes poetry She's in love with words She likes Montreal summers And being a teacher She likes drinking on terasses And chilling with friends She's into traveling And continually learning She has an old soul And some wisdom at heart This girl's finally realizing That love Well it comes from Within And she won't let people Make her feel so shitty Again

I've been with men who try to eat at my self-esteem and self-confidence when they are upset. I don't need that and I don't need them. :) Here's to the present.

This Big Ass Block I'm trying to open myself up to the universe. To tap into that connection I believe we all have. It's silly because something that is always there shouldn't feel so difficult to access. It's like there is this big ass block before me. I feel myself pushing against it, trying to climb over it. Wondering what it would take to blow it up and then step over the pieces But maybe, just maybe, The key is to stop fighting it. To let go of this overwhelming urge to knock it down and then kick it away. Maybe just acknowledging that It's there. OK block, so I feel you. I practically see you. I do see you in fact if I close my eyes. You are big. You are wooden. You are square in shape. And you are NOT moving. I couldn't move you physically if I tried. Trust me, I have been trying. The question then is, why are you there? How did you happen to get in my path and why do you seem so bloody big to me? Are you made of rep...

I'm reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I've cried twice already. What a story. It's an amazing book.

17 days left of winter! I'm starting to get excited!!! :D Days on the mountain, biking, swimming, parks, fireworks, festivals, road trips, shorts, bikinis, flip flops -----> WOOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!

I need some direction in my life. I'm trying to look within but for some reason I don't think I am succeeding. I don't know what my goals are and I don't know what I want to do at this point in my life. I feel like I am forever searching. I would like a friend to come teach abroad with me, that is the only thing I really have in the back of my mind. I practice yoga at least 3 times a week. Besides doing it to stay in shape and to gain flexibility, I am supposed to be getting in touch with my inner self and learning how to be in the moment. The more into it I am getting, the more it eludes me. I can't still my monkey mind for more than about a minute. I also stopped seeing the two people I used to spend the majority of my time with so I just feel kinda out there in the blue.

Allow me to be open to love but not in desperate search of it.

panic I feel so anxious and panicky. Financially panicky but overall love, life, future panicky. I got called to go teach in Melbourne, Australia, I could leave as early as May. And teach and live there for a while. Part of me wants to go. Why not? Fresh start, new people. Figure life out. Yet, another part doesn't. The other part wants to stay here, be with family and friends and is scared of just going off to a new country alone. Relationship wise i am sooooo panicked. Scared to repeat past mistakes. Scared to overlook something good. Scared to move too fast, scared to move too slow. Just scared. Actually terrified. Last nite I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about all this. Family, future, husband, no husband, kids, no kids... I'm almost panicking now. Does panic have a k in it or what? I can't spell. I'm so scared to mess up again. To get into another shitty situation. And mabe this is gonna pass. Maybe it's good for me to be sing...

Third Time, Definitely Not the Charm (3 years, regretted) 1. "My mom likes you because you're smart and you do well in school. But, you know, my parents want me to marry an asian girl." (3 years although not regretted) 2. "There are some things that are just beyond your ability to grasp Let alone actually comprehend. Trust me." (2.5 years, terribly regretted) 3. "You are the worst girlfriend I have ever had. You are a stupid fucking Cunt. By the way, I fucked You're best friend, 3 times, You should ask her about it." I can't imagine why anyone would Want to go through this I can't believe that collectively I have been in monogamous, Long-term relationships For 9 years of my life. And for what? (Granted, it may have something to do with my selection, but I think it's more. Maybe I just don't know what to do with Self-motivated, smart, kind and decent Guys. But I...

I wonder if we can ever truly know who a person is. Ourselves included. People find strength or courage they didn't know they had when put into certain unbelievable situations. It seems to me as if soemtimes people find the opposite in really good situations as well. Then again, maybe those people were never good to begin with. I understand that everyone on this earth (aside from psychopaths... they are a special sort of breed) has the ability to do good and to do bad. It's all about the choices we make, who we are, and who we want to be. I've known who I want to be for a really long time. For the most part, I feel I do a good job although there are plenty of things I have left to learn and can improve on. I want to be good and make a positive contribution to society. And on a fairly large scale. I'm not sure quite how I want to do this so I'm working at it little by little. I think I have to stop at this point, however, and contemplate who is going to be th...