The Last Day of Summer

panic I feel so anxious and panicky. Financially panicky but overall love, life, future panicky. I got called to go teach in Melbourne, Australia, I could leave as early as May. And teach and live there for a while. Part of me wants to go. Why not? Fresh start, new people. Figure life out. Yet, another part doesn't. The other part wants to stay here, be with family and friends and is scared of just going off to a new country alone. Relationship wise i am sooooo panicked. Scared to repeat past mistakes. Scared to overlook something good. Scared to move too fast, scared to move too slow. Just scared. Actually terrified. Last nite I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about all this. Family, future, husband, no husband, kids, no kids... I'm almost panicking now. Does panic have a k in it or what? I can't spell. I'm so scared to mess up again. To get into another shitty situation. And mabe this is gonna pass. Maybe it's good for me to be sing...

Third Time, Definitely Not the Charm (3 years, regretted) 1. "My mom likes you because you're smart and you do well in school. But, you know, my parents want me to marry an asian girl." (3 years although not regretted) 2. "There are some things that are just beyond your ability to grasp Let alone actually comprehend. Trust me." (2.5 years, terribly regretted) 3. "You are the worst girlfriend I have ever had. You are a stupid fucking Cunt. By the way, I fucked You're best friend, 3 times, You should ask her about it." I can't imagine why anyone would Want to go through this I can't believe that collectively I have been in monogamous, Long-term relationships For 9 years of my life. And for what? (Granted, it may have something to do with my selection, but I think it's more. Maybe I just don't know what to do with Self-motivated, smart, kind and decent Guys. But I...

I wonder if we can ever truly know who a person is. Ourselves included. People find strength or courage they didn't know they had when put into certain unbelievable situations. It seems to me as if soemtimes people find the opposite in really good situations as well. Then again, maybe those people were never good to begin with. I understand that everyone on this earth (aside from psychopaths... they are a special sort of breed) has the ability to do good and to do bad. It's all about the choices we make, who we are, and who we want to be. I've known who I want to be for a really long time. For the most part, I feel I do a good job although there are plenty of things I have left to learn and can improve on. I want to be good and make a positive contribution to society. And on a fairly large scale. I'm not sure quite how I want to do this so I'm working at it little by little. I think I have to stop at this point, however, and contemplate who is going to be th...