The Last Day of Summer

I had one of the best days of my vacation today. I got to do something that I've wanted to do since I was like three years old. I wonder if anyone can guess what it is? Well my day started off going to the museum of fine arts with Chris, his friend Jay and Jay's mom. She gave us a private tour of an exhibit on all the art from a place in France (Provance sp? maybe)from like 1700 till now maybe. It was nice and my two favorite paintings were done by Delacroix and Monet. The Monet one was with a really awesome tree and the Delacroix one was done in like dot art techique and was really kool. So after the museum we went to Jay's mom's art studio and it was amazing! Her own paintings were super nice, especially this one called Indian Summer. The decor inside was also super kool. So after looking around a bit and then eating, guess what I got to do? OMG! I got to play the harp!!!!! For real!!! I've wanted to do that for soo long that when I saw it there I could hardly wai...

Merry Christmas!! I'm loving Christmas this year. It hasn't really officially started but I was so anxious and happy this year that I figured I would write about it. It's been a little while since I've actually looked forward to waking up early on xmas. Ya! I'm happy this year, really happy :D I can't wait to see my little cousin open his presents and for us to play nintendo and stuff tomorrow. Wait until we bust out the Donkey Konga, it's gonna be sweet! I get to see lots of the people I love on the holidays so yay! Not that I don't see them otherwise, but there is just so much more time now and moments to remember. yay christmas!

I had the most awesome driving lesson yet today! Oh man! My instructor was this dude from Switzerland who used to be a race car driver... oh la la. Ya, he was pretty amazing. Really smart actually and a crazy good way of teaching (including throwing himself against the back of the car). He used sports and stuff like that in order to explain some driving concepts. I'm just horrible at checking my blindspots, but I think it is having more than one constant instructor that is screwing me up because they all tell me different things. Like the dude today told me I had good motor skills and that my steering was awesome, like naturally good. The guy i had last time, on the other hand, told me that I have to use hand over hand steering or else it isn't good. And the first guy i ever had told me it was naturally good also. Hmm well i'm gonna listen to the ex race car driver because i'm pretty sure he knows the best method to use to steer. just a hunch.. He said what I do is anot...

OH man!! I have crazy news. Two things: 1. I'm going to be a bridesmaid! I've never been to a wedding/reception so the first wedding I will be going to will be one that i am in. Pretty awesome! Oh, it's my friend Annie that is getting married in August btw. 2. Annie and most of the bridesmaids (me included) are going to the Dominican Republic for a week in february!!! OMG!! ya that's right, beach you better be ready cuz here I come! Omg, i still have never been on a plane! I'm really excited! There is like beach volleyball, spanish language and dance lessons, horseback riding, all free drinks included, pool with bar, beach with bar. AHH!!! it's gonna be nuts!!! Tour of porta plata and ya, a whole bunch of groovy stuff. I'm pretty hyped! that will be all for now.

"To be geisha means a moving work of art" The heart dies a slow death. Hope falling like leaves until there are no hopes left.

I have my second driving lesson today; I get all excited and nervous at the same time. I can't believe I was driving downtown in traffic last time! Last nite I went to my staff x mas party, it was nice to see people but man, the food at 3 amigos is pretty damn awful. Thursday nite I went to a comedy show with Melissa, Kelly and Katie. It was pretty fun but one of the comedians was making fun of us for being young and he even asked me what highschool i went to. eesssh I have to start a 12 page paper (due monday) later today but I have a feeling it is going to go alright. I started the write out in my room last nite and I wrote 2 pages in no time. I guess typed up that might be only one or one and half but we'll see. I think it'll be ok. I'll work on that like crazy today and hopefully get at least halfway done or more. I was thinking of doing my x mas shopping next weekend but I forgot, I'm working. Working for free no less. sat 10-10 and sun 9-4, sleep over thin...

There are some nights you can experience that just feel so right. The perfect combination of friends, stuff to do and perhaps alcohol. You get home and you are just like "wow... i had such a good nite" and you don't even know exactly what it was that made it so good, it just was. It feels surreal, as if maybe none of it just happened. You sit there playing solitaire and you just feel happy. Kind of like living in a dream. Did all of that just happen or was it really a dream? Parts of it may even be fuzzy (either from drinking or just because so much happened). A big event didn't even have to happen, it was just a whole bunch of little things that made it so good. You weren't even really doing anything important. BUt well I guess you were if you get home and you feel so satisfied with your night. (speaking of events, i don't think i've ever seen so many firetrucks in my life as I did on my way home. there was a big fire near the westmount YMCA) It's jus...

I had my first driving lesson with an instructor today. :D It was really really fun. OMG, I drove on real streets, like intersections and everything. DOWNTOWN! how crazy is that? Wow, i was having a lot of fun and then he told me to turn left and all of a sudden we were on a super busy street. I wanted to freak out but I stayed calm and just kept driving. I was alright too, the teacher didn't have to use his break, although he was ready to and some points. Yep yep, he said that I was really good at turning, especially considering it was a first lesson. He said it was impressed. Wo0t w0ot! I guess I have Jess to thank for that because she is the only person i've ever been trying with before. Holy crap tho, I was driving automatic instead of standard and it's such a piece of cake. No shaking the car or stalling.. intense! Still, i like automatic more, more of a challenge and you feel more like a race car driver ;) Right right, so i have to get back to this pain in the ass pa...

ohh it happened, I wrote a poem today. It's totally about a cat... you know that type of cat... here goes That Type of Cat You're a cat Sleek and smooth You lick your chops And make your move You look at me Then give a purr I leap back I can't stand your fur Your eyes gleam A bright and eerie Sort of green You look up In attempts to grab Me with your paws But I know better For I've witnessed the claws.

I've been trying to get reinspired. Not that I do not have things to be inspired about because I certainly do, I've just lost my ability to sit down and write a poem. So maybe re-inspired would be the wrong way to put it, but I want to start writing poetry again. I figured that I would look back and post up one of my favorite poems of all time, one that I used to know by heart. (maybe I will relearn it) Hopefully one of these days I will start to write my own again. Here goes: (wait, wait, who already knows what it is before looking??) The World is a Beautiful Place by Lawrence Ferlinghetti The world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don't mind happiness not always being so very much fun if you don't mind a touch of hell now and then just when everything is fine because even in heaven they don't sing all the time The world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don't mind some people dying all the time or maybe only starving some of the time which...

I saw Harry Potter tonight. It's funny how it always seems to start of my winter. I really liked it. It was snowing a lot when I left the theatre. :) Normally I hate snow and I hate winter but lately I must confess to actually enjoying it (just a little). I can't wait for christmas music and decorations and I guess, christmas itself, although it always takes forever to come, is over so fast, and then leaves you feeling kinda empty. Maybe it won't be like that this year... who knows. There are only two weeks of classes left and then two papers and two exams. I can do it *fingers crossed* I just want it to be done with really. I want to play kingdom hearts and ff10 and I wanna chill with my friends and with Chris of course. So i realized (in my great wisdom...) that even if you really really want to do something but you are with a person who doesn't, you shouldn't try to convince them. Even if you offer them a fair trade. Because the thing you looked so forward to d...

Let's Pretend Today was my Bday So I had one of the best days ever today and I had a really good nite last nite as well. Hmm let's start from last nite. I went to mckibbins and had a good time. Laur was there, of course, and even Jf and Marc made an appearance. Afterwards, I went to chris' and slept there. He gave me a massage which was super super super awesome. And then the next morning he made me breakfast. OMG, it was so good, you have know idea. There was a bunch of fruit and pillbury croissants and ya... wow, he's the bestest ever. So then reluctantly I went to school, had some okay classes (got to watch a movie in music class hehe) and then i went to visit my granny. She is doing super well and might even be home as early as this sunday! Then I went back to chris' to pick up my stuff (which I ended up just leaving there anyways) and I had supper which was pretty good (pasghetti & bread and salad). Chris and me were wondering what we were gonna do that ni...

I love the my birthday is on the 7th of the month, but just this year I wish i could postpone it. My granny is going into surgery tomorrow (ya, i'm kinda scared about that), I feel swamped with school work and I am working at my stage on saturday. It's just not a convenient time for a birthday and even less so for a birthday party. I have soo many things that i've been wanting to post about but it will have to wait until december or something when I have more time.

So many things I want to one day do The other nite I went to a concert (western european art music) and I liked one piece a lot. It was called Ikarus (maybe you know the greek mythology behind that) and I think that one of the main reasons I liked it so much is because I got to see someone playing the harp. Oh man, there's always been something about the harp that draws me in and one day I would really love to learn how to play. I've heard it's hella hard and complicated but I don't care. I wanna learn. One of the other reasons I really liked this piece is because it was anything but boring. There was even a dude crinkling newspaper for effect. It was pretty intense as I'm sure the experience of your wings melting and you falling from the sky would be. It was awesome! I want to move to a spanish speaking country or do a semester in one. I really love the language for some strange reason. I know basic stuff but I can't speak or write in any other tenses besides...

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. I'm not sure why but I did. So i decided that maybe I needed some exercise. I haven't been doing much lately so I pulled out my yoga video. I did some yoga, ate some lunch and I feel soooo much better. Woo hoo endorphines. On wednesday I'm also going to try to start aquafitness. I'm not really sure what it is but I guess I'll find out. I've been studying for my social work midterm tomorrow but I don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm not even sure how he is going to ask us question. I hope it's not straight memorization stuff because then I will be in trouble for sure. I think I get the essence of the articles and the points tho so if it is just general stuff, I should be ok. I got lots of other stuff to read for school so I should get started. I kinda feel like taking a nap tho. But I won't because whenever I do, I wake up feeling more tired than before. This december I would really like to go on a tr...

It's [almost] Friday, I'm in love. Stage wasn't so bad today. My supervisor looked over the program I am in the midst of making and she really liked it. She got all excited and we had ideas flowing all over the place. It's crazy that I get to make a program about swimming, teach it to a group of girls and then lead a discussion afterwards. It's pretty awesome. I think the second have of the program is going to be all about self-expression. It's fun because I get to make it whatever I want so ya, of course there is gonna be poetry in it. heh only thing is, my group is french so i'm gonna have a little bit of trouble but whatever. By then they will know me and i'm sure they'll help me out when I don't know what I am saying... Free writing and expression and swimming.. pretty kool. Bet you would like to be in my group huh? ;) tonight I am going to a music concert at mcgill with john. It should be fun. I have a dilemma though... You see afterwards we...

Message from the Library Yep, so I handed in my political philosophy essay and then got to leave. There was no class. I had a huge debate with my self about whether to go home and skip my other two classes or to go to the library, do some research that i would have to do anyways, and just stay for the classes. I picked option two because I think it will be less work in the end. I'm sooo sleepy though, it would be nice to go home and to take a nap. My shoes are sooo squeaky when they get wet. I was walking through the halls and you could hear me coming from like a mile a way. I wonder how many people I know are going to Marc's little party tonight. It would be awesome to see people that I haven't seen in a while. This morning on the bus I saw Nadivia, a girl I went to elementary school with. We had an awesome chat... it was weird... it's as if we had been talking all this time. The conversation came really naturally. odd but kool. She told me that she had just moved bac...

ok that post was bothering me cuz i was just whining. blah blah blah let's start over, shall we? I had a pretty awesome weekend :D I'm super happy. I have to start writing again, it has been months since I've written a poem. I've thought about it a couple of times but I haven't sat down and actually wrote. I did however, write my 5-8 page essay this weekend. It's still in rough form but that is better than having nothing at all. It's 5 pages and a bit. That's the thing about philosophy that scares me tho, usually I am confident when i am finished an essay that I've made my point clearly and said enough within the pages I've written but ya, philosophy people in general seem to ramble on and on and I hope it isn't like 8 pages is better than 5. I mean 8 meaningful pages is alright but I don't have enough for 8 meaningful ones so hopefuly it is better to make the 5 that I do have meaningful. heh I'm gonna try to make chris read it anyw...

Ok there are like 8 more weeks of school this semester, I must be able to handle it. I think I just love the weekend too much. I hate when it's Monday, but then again, who doesn't? The thing is... when i start my career for real, I don't want to be hating mondays. Maybe there can be some reluctance because I had an amazing weekend, but I can't dread going to work or doing whatever I am doing. Not that I really dread my classes or my stage, it could be so much worse but still... I'm not exactly happy with it all. I think maybe it is this stage that is killing me, instead of doing the normal 15 hours a week of classes, I am doing closer to 30. Meh, at least it makes sense that it would be harder for me to have a job. I hate not having one actually, I feel like such a bum. But if I had one, I'd for sure have too much trouble balancing everything. Oye, maybe next semester when I am only taking social work classes. This december also... maybe i can start then. I th...

I want to see Corpse's Bride, surprise surprise. Maybe we are gonna go on Thursday, woo hoo! :D I have midterms coming up all this week and the next but after that, it should be smooth sailing for a while. I might go camping not this weekend, but the next. That would be really fun. I feel a little guilty because I am not seeing all of my friends as much as I would like too. School and stage two days a week is a little rough and I don't end up having that much time left over. Friends are important tho, I know, I guess I'm just not very good with managing my time. I hope everyone understands. I bought a Tori Amos cd today and it's pretty good. There is this song called Putting the Damage On that I like a lot. hmm I'm kinda hungry... I ate a slice of pizza at like 4 ish so now I don't wanna eat dinner. gah. I guess i'll eat a little something. maybe some soup... it was amazing last nite for some reason. maybe cuz I was sick. So ya... i'm gonna study tonight...

It's funny how even in my own personal blog I edit myself. I was going to say that I don't know where to begin or where to end. Everything is a, ok wait maybe not everything, but mostly everything, is a big giant mumble jumble. I feel all stressed out about a lot of things: School, my ability to handle stuff, money, working, myself and my competence as a functional person in society... It feels like I need to be spending time in a cabin right now and figuring stuff out... isolated from everything else. Not everyone but just everything going on. This is probably not the best way to handle things and at least not feasible for me right now anyways but man, what am i doing? It's clear to me that I somehow wanna make a difference and prolly work with some "troubled" kids but I don't know if I am getting there. Hell... i don't even know if I am sane enough to help other people through shit. On top of that... school seeems to be taking up SO much of my time...

To Boston for the weekend we go. I wonder what strange adventures await us.

You know you are happy when: You walk down the street smiling to yourself. I'm seeing Jacob tomorrow nite, w0ot wo0t! I haven't been this excited for a concert in a while. I'm seeing Chris tonight and I'm pretty sure that is gonna be awesome, I wish I could think of something kool to do tho. Whatever, I'll we'll figure it out. I finished reading the Celestine Prophecy on my way home from my stage today. I was actually walking and reading at the same time (which I don't really recommend). I don't know what to think now. The book kind of ends leaving you with an obligation. I believe the world could be a lot different (maybe not exactly like the book) so ya, I guess I do have to do whatever I can to help it become that way. I wonder if I will ever reach my goal of working for the United Nations. I believe I could do good in the world and I think that is what is most important for all of us. Hmm I'm going to return to the 20 hour movie Broken Saints , ...

I don't know whether to write this here or not. It feels kinda wrong to not address it but at the same time I'm not sure how much I want to talk about it. My granny has lung cancer... That's all I know so far, she goes to talk to the doctor on wednesday.

Time goes by so fast The Greenday/JEW/Anti-flag concert last nite was pretty good i have to say. Billy Joe is an excellent entertainer, one who even resorts to jerking himself off in front of thousands of people to please. The one and only complaint I have is that, once again, they did not play my goddamn song! How do you have two concerts and not play When I Come Around at either of them??? Nuit Blanche at La Ronde was equally amazing. There was so much energy that night. Oh ya, I forgot, last nite after the concert, EVERYONE was coming back home on the metro from the concert and it was awesome. We were all still going crazy and cheering. It was really awesome to see soooo many people all connecting in the same way. I dunno, for some reason it made me really happy. So yes, back to nuit blanche, it was really really fun. The company was the best thing Now for the only bad news I have. I went to my spanish class for the first time last friday and it was SOOOO shitty. Like super duper sh...

gawd, i'm listening to Elvis right now and some songs (like are you lonesome tonight) give me the shivers big time. I was watching canadian idol, taped from last nite, (yes yes... i'm a big loser who tapes canadian idol..) and the theme was elvis. Hearing all those songs brought back a lot of memories somehow and so now I am playing the cd. The chick on the show really really gave a stellar performance... i almost wanted to cry actually... really weird. She sang Can't help falling in love. She changed it around a lot and man.. it was just so like personal and honest... i can't explain it but it was like a naked performance and it was sooo good. I rewound it and played it over maybe 4 times. Watch her get kicked off tonight, i'll be pissed. Pissed but somehow not surprised. So something good is coming ( think). My friend gave me a prophecy this summer, one that I barely understood. I read it many times and didn't really know what it could be about. I may have an ...

You have to mourn your loses before you can move on, at least that is the way I think it works. So i mourn for what could have been and for what I thought was going to be. I am still looking forward to the future. I played mini-putt tonight and it was hella fun. I guess that was mostly because of the company because god knows I suck at mini-putt. That's what also makes it fun though; concentrating so hard and then watching the ball roll right by the hole. However, after the 6th time you see it go by, it gets kinda frustrating. I might be moving out. It would be come january, we'll see. I am just not sure how I am going to work it with the roomates because there are a lot of potential ones but I can't room with 5 people... I mean I could but that would prolly get real messy, real fast. I haven't written anything since the summer began. I do not think it is lack of inspiration but I just can't seem to sit down and write. That makes me sad :( My dream of being a bea...

I feel so detached from everything My granny might have cancer and all i feel is numb. She had this abnormality on her lung that she had to go and get CT scanned for and ya, she got the results this morning. She has a tumour on her lung that may or not be cancerous. She has to go and get all these tests. She came in and woke me up crying. I didn't even know what to do or say. I just kinda sat there. I feel like such a little shit... I should have cried with her or something... i dunno. This is the one person in the world who i love the most... you think I could show some kind of emotion. But here I am letting her run around the house trying to stay busy and I can't think of a thing to do or to say.

So school is starting next week, I'm both anxious and nervous, I hope it will be a good semester. This year I want to try working on getting back what was lost. In many senses but mostly in myself. It feels like I've changed as a person (everyone does) and not in a bad way but with that change, I lost something. Maybe it is just growing up, but we'll see. I find that a lot of happy/adventurous side is lacking so I want it back. Also, in relationships and other things I guess, I give up what I want and what I wanna do for the other person. That's gonna stop. Not completely cuz compromise is good but man, what I wanna do and what I want is just as important. yep yep. What I also plan to do is close a lot of these unfinished relationships that I have hanging around. i've already started with one. With another I'm trying to find out if there really was something there (which I'm hoping there is)... so we'll see about that. Most of you know who i'm talki...

So So Much to Write For the most part I had a beautiful summer. My first summer at camp (5 years ago) was one of the most amazing ones of my life and it ended 5 years later in much the same way. The land, the staff, the friends and the lovers all chilling will be something I will cherish for the rest of my life. It's incredible that something so unexpected can have such an impact on your life. I found one of the best friends I'll ever have at that camp and I discovered so much about myself that it will be hard for anything to compare. Destroying what feels like a second home to me and leaving it was so unbelieveably hard that I'm not sure I can put it into words. There is this certain spirit... this like youthful, magical air surrounding cjd and everyone who has come into contact with it has definitely grew and became a better person. The fact that it won't be there anymore for anyone else breaks my heart. God, I would have never thought I would become so attached to a...

I don't think I have ever been as nervous to any exam in my life as I was with my Beach Nationals exams. My throat and mouth were dry, I couldn't breathe properly and at first, i did awful. I thought I was going to fail. I had been training all summer and had made the time the day before in practice but when the real test was there, I missed the time by 12 seconds. I was freaking out, and I didn't think that I could do any better anymore. The instructor told me to do it again and I had to do the test over again like 6 minutes later. The test is, run 100 m, swim 100m and then tow someone back 100m all in under six minutes. Well, I tried again and everyone was really encouraging me, even swimming beside me for part of the way. And guess what? YEP! I made it, my time was 5:27!! I don't think I have ever been so relieved as I was after I found out I made the time. I actually cried like a big idiot... So ya, I'm a national beach lifeguard now or whatever you wanna call i...

Many people would be proud of me for what i did last night. For the first time in my life, i ate seafood. I didn't just eat a little bit ... I didn't just try a shrimp... i went all out. I ate shrimp, calamari (that is the one thing i had tried before by accident because of Laurie's brother), crab meat, sushi and even some thing with tentacles... I think octopus. ya , that's right, I actually tried it all. it's only taken me what, 20 years? At one point it felt like i was on survivor tho... the tentacles were a bit much. So ya... i didn't really really really like much of what i tried but i can eat it. The one exception to this is crab meat.. OH MY GOD>>> it was soooo good! Anywho, i feel all proud because never in my life did i think that i could eat that. hahah Ya, so I've been having some pretty shitty days lately. The people that I fall for don't fall back or they do and then eventually it dies and the ones that do fall for me aren't o...

So long so long, it's been so long. there is so much to say and so little time to say it in. I miss people lots. Laur and Jess especially and of course Sarita (your letter is in the mail). god damn i'm slow wiht those. I meant to write Katie so many times. There is just no time for anything. I've only spoken with my granny like twice since i've been gone. it's nuts. I might actually get to go home this weekend. gah so much stuff but i can't really write about it. i need to have some good chats with my amigas. Kids are awesome, most anyways. I got two marriage proposals this week... i told them i was sorry but that I didn't want to go to jail. haha kids are soo funny. I swim the lake , there and back a few times a week. i should have some good muscles by the time i get home (not gross ones tho). OH and boy do i have a tan... for me I am like black. haha no no i am still the most honkie kid in town but for me i have a fairly nice tan. even my legs are gettin...

Saturday -Hedley- Believe me It's easy To scream when your bleeding. You wonder what's under your bed when your sleeping. They take you. They make you Forget what you're needing. But hey, It's just another saturday. It's only just another saturday. I love you. I need you. Like a thousand times before . Wonder why I hate you. But I'll scream and ask for more. I'm standing, I'm knocking but you Won't open the door. If I feel than I need if I love, Then i'm free. Believe me, It's easy To read between the lines. When mommy says sorry, Over a thousand times. You're tied up you're cried up. You need a break from here But hey it's just another saturday. It's only just another saturday. I love you. I need you. Like a thousand times before. Wonder why I hate you. But I scream and ask for more. I'm standing, I'm knocking But you won't open the door. If I feel then I need If I love Then I'm... All I've wanted, All I...

It's never usually so long between my posts, forgive me. I just don't feel like writing anymore. I'm going away for the summer as of friday so I guess that solves that problem. Hopefully I can post sometimes from camp though, I'm sure i'll get the urge back. I'm going to go on my balcony and read. Pretend I'm the main character in my book instead of figuring out what to do with my own life situation. Love/lust/confused friendship is all too much for me at the moment.

So tomorrow I leave for Beach Nationals aka Lifeguard Bootcamp. Wish me luck. I don't wanna fail again... but if i do... I'll continue to train and i will take it until I pass. Not because I even want to have it that much but because I like to know that when I try and put my mind to something, I can do it, no matter what. So ya... bootcamp, here I come! *Someone go see the fireworks for me.

meh, i'll just say it, I like canadian idol. In comparison to american idol, it is like 100 times better. I like it because it's really diverse and they sing all kinds of stuff in all kinds of styles and it's awesome. I've actually grown to hate american idol. Anywho... i was watching it taped from last night and this one chick sang a song that gave me the shivers. She sang Colors of the Wind, wow... it was really good. i love that song. I used to try to sing it cuz it's sooo... i dunno it's really good. The judges said she didn't sing all that good but I think they are nuts... not that I have any musical training whatsoever... I can barely play jingle bells... but still, I liked it.

oh gawd. So the dudes are going around this morning washing the windows. I thought they were done cuz they did my aunt's window and mine already. I go plop myself on the couch in the living room to read with my little nightie and my dorky kiss me I'm Irish pants (which I love) and I get lost in the book. I look up and there's suddenly a dude in my window starring at me. He waves so like what the hell... I wave back. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't really see his face. Anyways so he is just watching me and cleaning the windows... it was weird.

I have to figure out my plans for this week. I'm leaving soon for camp so i gotta fit everything in. So much to do and so little time. At least I went to the dentist today and everything is fine so I can swim and I can go to La Ronde if I want to. I think i'm gonna do beach nationals if Lulu passes her pool nationals and so i'll be gone for this weekend but hopefully I can come back until i have to leave again around the 23rd or 24th. I am going to miss a lot of people this summer and the city. I know i complain always about the city, but there is some part of it that I do like and that I will miss for a while. I gotta make it back at least once, and hopefully twice, to see the fireworks from the bridge. :)

In a Direction Lately I am feeling happy with my life. Maybe happy isn't exactly the right word but I feel like I know what I want more and more. I know where I am trying to head with my career, I know my thoughts about love and guys at the moment and even about kids. It isn't really like I have a plan, I just know what is important to me and what I would like to focus on. Love is still a priority for me but I think that I've come to accept that maybe it does not happen to everyone, at least not in a bf/gf relationship marriage sort of way. And that's ok. You focus on the things you can control, such as your education and your career, and you just let what you cannot control (such as love) come to you if it chooses. I mean you make the effort to encourage it, you aren't just passive about it but like you cannot control who loves you and who you love really so you gotta just let it happen. How long has it taken me to accept that.... years and years. Anyways, i jus...

For some reason I've always wanted them to name a hurricane after me. Hurricane Melinda or even Hurricane Mindy, either would do it. But it never comes... i think they even had a hurricane Matilda once or something. Argg! Anyways, today was the first day I tried to venture out after my little surgey. BAD IDEA! I felt like I was gonna pass out in the store or something. There were so many people, it was really hot and I had hardly eaten anything. It's all good now though becuase I am home. Maybe i am gonna have pizza for supper. I wonder if I'll be able to chew it. That would really suck if I couldn't. I think i'd cry.

my face hurts, my face hurts, my face hurts! So much for being brave and trying not to take any pain killers already on the second day. merde. ! Well i'm gonna do that and read. i'm supposed to rinse my mouth with water and salt but yesterday when i got water to my right side by accident, i thought i was gonna die! *pfft!*

What do I need? What do I want? I had a thought today while I was taking a bath or getting dried off or somewhere in that span of time. Everybody is different, right? Different things please different people and different people have different goals. I tried to picture myself as a housewife. Cooking, cleaning, raising kids, gardening maybe... having that be my life. I'm not sure I could do it. There are other people who I could see being completely content doing that but I'm not sure about myself. I mean I have complete respect for people who are housewives (good ones) and I think I would really like gardening and of course kids but something would be missing. I really want to travel, that is like one of my biggest dreams. I'm trying to think of a way to put everything I want together. So i want to travel, especially to about 7 places and then as many others as I can fit. The seven are: Greece, Bali, Cali, Hawaii, Jamaica, Ireland and Egypt. I want to be doing something ...

I just spent about an hour (give or take) playing the keyboard. It's so funny what a big effort I have to make to learn it. It's kind of like I read in the book why children fail , a good way to understand what children are going through when they are trying to read and write, is to learn to play an instrument or learn more difficult stuff if you already do play an instrument. You can understand the frustration and stuff when you are trying to read music and having to go over it again and again... then (again), maybe that is just me. I can finally play Jingle Bells amost 100% successfully with both hands at the same time. heh, ya that's right. For me this is a big accomplishment. It is hard for me to tell my right hand to do something and then tell my left hand to do something different all at the same time. Anywho, my hands feel all funny now. I should practice playing WAY more often, maybe I could actually become good (after many years that is). I also have to get my guit...

I love summer sooo much. I was just thinking about what I'm going to do when I get back from camp. Summer will be almost over, I dunno if I can take it. I absolutely hate winter. Funny that I live in Canada. I wish I had a way to move with my family, and some friends (if they were willing of course), to some place more warm. It's rediculous how much more I am happy during this season than the other. *sigh* Maybe one day...

I miss having someone to sleep beside. And by miss I mean really miss. I should have just stayed at the party tonight :(

So I have some good news. At least better news than I expected to have. I only have 3 wisdom teeth, not four. W0ot Wo0t! The ones on the bottom are worse and I only have one on the bottom and it's completely normal. That's rare for me for things to be normal. I guess this is my mouth's way of making up for that surgery I had to get for the tooth on the roof of my mouth. So next wednesday it is and i get Intravenous drugs. He said I will be quite out of it. In a way I am looking forward to seeing what that will be like. He said that it won't even hurt while it is getting done, only a little afterwards as long as I take the painkillers he prescribes. Nice! so I'm happy about all this although I'm still not quite looking forward to the appointment, go figure. The doctor said "you're more advanced than the rest of us." Too bad I am not advanced enough to have no wisdom teeth at all but hey, I won't complain. :)

First things first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LAURIE!!! :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY W0ot Wo0T! Life is difficult but I am trying to make it easy. I work today, thursday and then friday. Friday will be awful, 8:15 am till 6:15 pm but whatever, that's a substantial amount of money. So meh, June 7th is my last day anyways so why not rack up the dough while it lasts? So ya, i'm trying to live simply lately. Go out with friends, chill, meet people, talk, whatever... Camp is coming up soon though so I don't really want to get into anything serious. I'm hoping that during camp I can sort a lot of shit out. Get myself back on track somehow. June 8th is doom's day, aka when I get my wisdom teeth out. I'll be sure to let everyone know how that goes. yeeeshh. I spoke to jay last night, I'm pretty sure that that relationship is going nowhere. I'm kind of sad because we did used to be really good friends. meh, life is strange so we'll see. Oh, and June 4th , party at The Loft in ...

Hi, I'm Lazy Hello. My name is Mindy , ignore what it says at the bottom of this post. I haven't posted in a long time. Today I had work, then I came home and watched a movie, it was a true story and it was sad. After that I went to the park and played soccer with some guys from work. It was fun times. They were all wearing their little shorts and shirts and kleats, I thought they would kill me.... maybe they did! :o Hopefully, I'll post for real soon and this fake post will disapear ;) Byebyes!

I can't wait to leave for camp.

I seem to be really busy all of the time now. There is never a day when I am just sitting around and being bored. I guess that is a good thing BUT if I did have one of those days, I would maybe just clean my room and that would not be a bad thing. I should go and do it now. Should being the keyword. I feel like just lounging around. I wanna get through at least half of the Terry Prachett book I am currently reading so I will go and do that soon. The Colour of Magic. (that's the book's title). Camp starts on June 26th but i'm probably going to leave a few days before that so I can get set up and everything. Well actually it all depends on who can take me down with them because I have no way to get there. I'm just thinking about my job and stuff and I hope that I remember all the rock climbing shit. I mean I'm certified or whatever but the course was only a day so ya... I might need a little memory refresher. And snorkling, I have a better plan for this year so that ...

Right Here Staind I know I�ve been mistaken But just give me a break And see the changes that I�ve made I�ve got some imperfections But how can you collect them all And throw them in my face But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say To keep me right here waiting If you chose to walk away I�d still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say To keep you right here waiting I hope you�re not intending To be so condescending It�s as much as I can take And you�re so independent You just refuse to bend So I keep bending till I break But you always find a way To keep me right here waiting You always find the words to say To keep me right here waiting If you chose to walk away I�d still be right here waiting Searching for the things to say To keep you right here waiting I�ve made a commitment I�m willing to bleed for you I needed fulfillment I found what I need in you Can�t you just forgive me I don�t want to relive all the mistakes I�ve...

A post about Make-up I wear make-up sometimes but not everyday and there is a reason for that. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Is make up cheating and making yourself look more beautiful (assuming you can put make up on alright according to whatever tastes you may have) than you really are or is it just enhancing your god given features? For some reason I either feel really good with make up on or I feel like a complete fraud. If someone thinks I am beautiful, I still want he or she thinking the same when I don't have any make up on. So that's why I don't always wear make up, because if you can't feel good enough about yourself without it than how is anyone else supposed to? I'm not sure if this makes sense or I am just way over analyzing but this is what I've been thinking about lately *ahem* loser *ahem* I know girls that won't leave their house without make up, won't let other people see what they look like without it. But you know......

I just woke up from very messed up dreams. One thing in particular happens to be and I always get scared. This time I only dreamt about it happening instead of it actually happening but it's just as frightening. It is like I feel that I should wake up, and I just can't. I have to sit there for like 5 minutes (which seems like more than an eternity while it is happening) trying to force my eyes open, trying to move. The first time it happened I remember trying to scream and not being able to. This morning I dreamed that the same guy that killed my aunt's daughter was in the house. I knew bad stuff was going on, actually I was also in the kitchen in the dream. Ya, i was two places at once. I was in the kitchen and I think that I was going to kill him this time and his lover (which was a dude) was begging me not too. WOAH it's really fucked up. He was telling me that he didn't want to look after five kids alone and stuff. so ya... at the same time I could see my granny...

Waste I don't even know what to write... If you wanna overdose on drugs, don't waste the hospital's time... But then again, maybe it is a legitimate sickness. You're too weak to be able to resist taking drugs. Weak weak weak. That's all I think about her. I could see her lying in the bed, from far away with all those machines around her. She wasn't hooked up to any of them. The nurse came in and said she was awake and was going to be okay. Maybe just get her stomach pumped at least that's what i think antiviral whatever whatever meant. I think I must be really rotten because part of me hoped that she was dying. I think life would be easier for everyone that way. She's just a waste of space. I sound so cold, I can't help it. I wanted to go into the room and say goodbye for the last time, I really did. I thought I would see her life slipping away in front of me and I dunno... maybe shed a few tears but I'd be relieved mostly. God maybe I am more li...

I was supposed to work tonight, they called me in. i just got a phone call that my mother is in the emergency room and not breathing on her own. I'm going to go to the hospital with my granny because I'm not going to let her go alone. Fuck, she probably overdosed or tried to kill herself or something... not the first time for either. (my mother, not my granny obviously). I'm like shaking... It might not even be true.

Mourning This Loss (after so long) Look at me again WIth that smile The one that Only you can give It is still so familiar I will always know it That half mischievious grin Reaching all the way up to your eyes It is so clear Imprinted in my mind Only I don't see it In front of me anymore Parts of you still linger But all of you must leave Because I simply cannot Go on living like this My thoughts come back to you My favorite band, Style, kiss, look, and laugh All come back to you I thought maybe It could be like before I made the effort I guess just not soon enough The door is closed and locked down I'm on the outside now And believe me when I say It's bloody cold out here It is not healthy To be living in the past So this will be the last Poem I will write of you I lost you long ago And it's just fucked that I still think of you I Miss You "How do you do it Make me feel like I do"? I think I might love you And now I'll say good-bye.

It's incredible how songs sometimes can express exactly the way you are feeling... Runaway Train by: Soul Asylum Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a blow torch burnin I was a key that could use a little turnin So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep There's no way out This time I have really led myself astray Chorus Runaway train never goin back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded Life's mystery seems so faded I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train And Everything seems cut and dry Day an...

Just thinking (as usual) Who knows if I am doing what i am "supposed" to be doing or even if the path i am trying to find for myself even exists in the first place? Maybe I should just be doing what I WANT to be doing. The only thing is, I am too scared. I want to be in California right now or Hawaii... or just some place else. I want to be on a magazine cover for something. I want to be famous... well maybe. The thing is, i don't really know what I want... i just know that I want something. I was at work today and one of the older cashiers there (one of the two dude cashiers) was putting the magasines back all pretty and he came over to my cash. He was tolding a vogue magasine with a pretty chick on the cover and he said "this could be you". And I said "ya right!". and then he said, "why not, you are young". And it's true, why not, I am young. Then he proceded to tell me that I should have four boyfriends instead of none but I don'...

La Isla Bonita i wannnnnnaaa go on vacation! heh I like this song by Madonna. I have a friend, I won't name names (*cough* Jess *cough*) that used to think that the words to the song were "last night I dreamt of some bagels" instead of "last night i dreamt of san pedro" muhaaha! So ladies and gentlemen, it is time for me to face the music. Two things. One is making the appointment for my wisdom teeth, which I shouldn't put off any longer and the second is talking about the grades I got this year in university, which I have also been putting off as much as possible. I feel robbed about this semester. I can't really explain it but it feels like I put a lot more effort in to things then I got back. So this are my grades... Semester 1: Medical Anthropology: B Greek Mythology: B+ Economics of the Environment: A- Introduction to Social Work: A Public Social Services in Canada: A Semester 2: Anthropology of Development: B Introduction to African History: B+...

W0ot Wo0t! The highlight of my day was that I got to leave work early. It's the first time they let me do that and even if it was only by like 20 minutes i don't care, it was awesome. I can't believe the incredible weather we are having lately, i LOVE it! I've come to the conclusion that once my life stabilizes a little, if ever, (meaning steady job and boyfriend and yadda yadda) I will move to some place warm like Cali or some tropical island. The weather really impacts how I feel sooo ya, i can't stay and be miserable for most of the year with those long terrible winters we have. The thing is... I don't really want to go alone so... I have to convince like all of my friends to move with me. :D good luck to me. I'm gonna have some mini pizzas for supper, yes! Then I think i'll go to laur's for a bit afterwards and watch a movie and eat popcorn. How i love my popcorn. yep yep. Last night I played pool with sarita, diego, alex and guilio, it was fun...

Interesting day Sarah and I finally made it to the Egyptian exhibition at the museum today. It cost 7 something, geez louise BUT i have to say it was helpful because i was able to answer a question in jeopardy tonight because of our tour ;) W0ot wo0t! After we looked around the musuem, i bought a poster of this piece of artwork by Appia , I think that is the artist's name at least. For some reason I was just drawn to it. It's these two girls and you can see them but they have no bodies, the background makes it look like they do though. It's pretty intriguing to me at least. I almost bought one by Renoir also but I figured, one at a time because I'll need to find place in my room for them. I'm going to try to give it a better clean up tomorrow along with making my appointment to get my wisdom teeth out *cries*. Another highlight of my day was getting to watch Sarah try to take out her new contacts. Heh I remember how much trouble I had with that at the beginning. ...

My first sick day I should be at work right now. Today I called in sick. I work up this morning and my throat was really killing me as it was last night. Granted I should not have stayed out till two in the morning but still... i have to leave my house at 6 AM tomorrow morning to work for camp soooo... I just can't do it all. Hopefully next week I get less hours at work. I thought that once school was over I would have all this free time to go out and see my friends and go wild BUT the truth is , I don't have time to do much, including get enough sleep. So ya, i need less hours. AND i have to make my decision about camp. I don't know whether to stay in the city this summer or go for the last year that is left at camp. I love camp, everyone knows that but maybe the same routine will be too much for me this year. Maybe I would have a better time in the city... Who knows. It's sooo nice outside today tho that I am kind of excited to be going to camp tomorrow even tho it wi...

Alright so go look at this and sign it if you support it. If not, well then don't sign. Bono did though... who doesn't wanna be like Bono? http://www.makepovertyhistory.ca

This "morning" I awoke at 2 pm. I've done nothing today but start the 12th book in the anita blake, vampire hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton. It feels positively wonderful. :D

If I had to sing you a song right now, any song I chose, it would be this one: Passive ( A Perfect Circle) Dead as dead can be, my doctor tells me But I just can�t believe him, ever the optimistic one I�m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy Wake up and face me , don�t play dead 'cause maybe Someday I will walk away and say, You disappoint me, Maybe you�re better off this way Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been It's your right and your ability To become� my perfect enemy� Wake up and face me, don�t play dead 'cause maybe Someday I�ll walk away and say, You disappoint me, Maybe you�re better off this way Maybe you�re better off this way Maybe you�re better off this way Maybe you�re better off this way You�re better of this� you�re better off this� Maybe you�re better off! Wake up and face me, don�t play dead, 'cause maybe Someday I�ll walk away and say, You fucking disappoint me! Maybe you...

On the Cusp I'm stuck and I can feel it. I've got to move forward, I've got to find what will make me happy. I thought it was something from the past, but that isn't making me happy, only heightening the sense of longing. Longing that is never fulfilled. I feel that there is something really good coming my way, it's so close I can almost touch it. It may have to do with my excitement at school being finished tomorrow, but I think this time it is more than that. I'm ready.

The wisest of men and of women are aware of just how unwise they really are and that is something I forgot. Lesson learned. Last night I saw the interpreter. I liked it a lot. It's nice when movies make you want to do something with your life. I love being inspired. I remember when I saw the movie White Orleander and it had me confirming my career choice. When a movie can impact you so strongly, it's got to be good... at least to you . So it's always been a dream of mine to work for the United Nations. I'm all about peace so I think it is time to seriously look into it. It's always been something I wanted to do but I've never actively checked up on it and I think I will start. I know social workers are definitely employed by the united nations. I know a lot of people would say that the united nations is useless but just the fact that the idea exists of a body created to bring people (hence the "united nations") together and achieve peace is a start, r...

The Title of this post would be OY Vey if I knew how to spell it properly Did I ever mention before how much I HATE passover? Well no i didn't, because I never used to hate passover, UNTIL NOW! Oh my god! If i have to do one more $500 order and how some snobby jewish woman yell and bitch at me, I'm gonna LOSE IT! (nothing against jewish people... just they are the ones buying everything for passover right now and making me go nutty). ARg, today I did a 10 hour shift. 10 hours is 9 hours too long. Merde! THe first hour was the worst there... I thought two customers were actually gonna go at it and sock each other in the face. Can't say I wouldn't have enjoyed it.... especially if the second guy would have socked the first... Ok ok no, i'm a pacifist... we all know that. heh work is just mental. But passover will all be over soon. God, I must know how store people feel about christmas now, it must suck like nothing else. Oh yes and I'll have to agree with Katie a...

Wednesday bloody Wednesday, So wednesday sucks, nothing good happens then. You have your exams then, it's raining and you find out that you aren't going to egypt, jordan or germany. Poop! But it's ok because after wednesday comes thursday and that is one of my favorite days of the week. Me and my friend Vanessa were always thursday people. One day I will go on a plane tho, I swear it. I'm gonna tour the world and see everything. Maybe it just wasn't my time yet, who knows. Jess will still be my travel buddy and things will be good. I should go and start to study for my test next week cuz I have to work all day tomorrow and then friday. *sigh* I have a headache.... damn those wednesdays.

Last night I caught a hint of summer in the air, I cannot think of much that has the same effect on me. It's like a feeling of reminesence and a feeling where I am closer to being one with nature (if that makes sense to anyone). It is kind of like finding your rhythm after it being not quite right for so long. I can't wait to take walks at night when it's still warm from the sun earlier in the day and to stay up outside looking at the stars. Man, I've missed summer so much, as I always do. There is more energy flowing in the summer time I find... although maybe winter is like that for some people. That would definitely not be something I could understand but who knows... we are all a little different (or A LOT differentin this case). I can't wait to find someone who I can share my summer nights with, I don't think I've ever had anyone who appreciated summer like I do. It's strange, most of the guys that I have dated have really liked winter, I can't ...

Here I am, I'm done with the worst two exams and timing schedule that I've had and I do not even feel that good. I did earlier today but now it's gone. I feel kind of empty tonight but it will pass, like always. Or maybe it won't.. Blah, I don't feel like posting any other downer kinda post. They're all that are coming out of me lately and I'm sorry. Hopefully when all exams are over... I found a letter two nights ago from a boy who I think really used to love me. I want it back but I don't know if that is possible anymore. That's what hurts the most to consider.

OK two things I've been thinking about lately: 1. Should I have gone to med school and became a doctor? 2. What happened to my self-confidence? The first one is sort of always there... I'm not sure how much of it is me though and how much of it is expections (or proving people wrong) that I want to live up to. My horoscope even told me that other day that I'd make a good doctor; it's like the idea is everywhere. I know I'm terrible with blood and guts but maybe you get used to that.. or if you are a gp, you don't really deal with the blood and guts. SO I don't know. It feels like something I just want to do... go to med school. Not so much be a doctor but just go through med school... pretty weird. The next question is really bothering me. I was always a little shy but I always knew that I was good and that I was worth a lot. Lately, I'm questioning that... I do not know the reasons why but I feel insecure a lot of the time now. Insecure and nervous.....

Maternal instinct, me? I was at the guy favreau complex the other day, waiting to get a passport (2 hours...) and I saw the cutest baby that I have ever seen in my whole life. It was ... well it couldn't have even been two months old. It was soo tiny and when it cried, it didn't even sound like a cry. It was such an adorable sound. Even though its eyes were all crusty and stuff... this thing was CUTE. Something like clicked inside of me and all i wanted to do was hold the little thing. I've never felt such an urge to hold any baby before in my life but this one was soo small and so... i don't know what. If I could have I would have taken her home with me. Although I am still not in any hurry to or even sure if I want to go through the whole birth process... I can see how it must be worth it. SOOOOOOOOO CCCCUUUUTTTTTEEEEE!!!!

Kill by Jimmy Eat World Well you're just across the street, Looks a mile to my feet, I wanna go to you. Funny how I'm nervous still, I've always been the easy kill I guess I always will Could it be that everything goes round by chance (Chance) Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be) You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say, hey hey, hey hey I know what I should do but I just can't walk away I can picture your face well from the bar in my hotel I wish I'd go to you I pick up put down the phone Like your fave heatmiser song goes: It's just like being alone Oh god please don't tell me this has been in vain (Vain) I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means) You kill me you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes hey hey, hey hey I know what I should do but i just can't turn away So go on love Leave while there's still hope for escape Gotta take what you can these days There's so much ahea...

Accomplished Although I am majorly stressed out now with school and finals coming up. I feel like I am getting a lot done. Take today for example: I registered for next year, went to one class (had to skip the other cuz i forgot to register but that's besides the point), walked home from school (more than an hour walk) with Sarah, did part of my big paper due next wednesday and I had some time to talk to friends. So all and all, I'm not doing so bad. I just gotta keep focusing on the fact that I will get through this and then I will have a lot of time to relax (at least that's what I am aiming for). I did lots of stats over the past few days and although I have a ton more to do, I'm understanding mostly everything. Good sign. My mood almost directly fluctuates with the weather sometimes... that probably isn't a good thing. I wonder if I moved to some place like California, if I would be happy more of the time. THat would be an interesting theory to test out......