I just feel like everything is a big fat blah right now. I'm angry at so many things that I can't even stop and think about everything wonderful that I have in my life. It's like this all consuming hatred. And beneath that hatred, it's all fear. Fear of losing myself, fear of losing everything I told myself I wouldn't, fear of losing my passion and my self-conviction, fear of losing my way, and most of all, fear of losing my Nana. Lately I feel like that little kid that always has the rain cloud over him, or maybe like Eeyore. And I don't like Eeyore! It's not normally my nature to be pessimistic or apathetic, but lately that is what I am all the time. I'm just so frustrated that I almost don't give a shit anymore. The other day I said the stupidest thing to myself to, I thought that I would rather be dead then go through another day. But that's a lie. That's a huge fucking lie and I can't believe that such a stupid thought passed by in ...
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8 Days Left Yep yep 8 days left and we still haven't gotten a place for certain. Hopefully things will come through though and we will get this upper duplex on the same street as my Nana. That would be good. If not a place on westhill or any apartment around will do (well almost). I'm tired. The semester is winding down and all of the projects and portfolios are due. I'm a little sick so I think tonight I will just go to bed early and then try to get as much done tomorrow as possible. tired....
so much got lost: ''...Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes...'' elated a small chance sooo much potential happily ever after-after all? . pause, take a breath. hope rushes so easily to the surface It's a lie, it's a lie. Universality Every loss is beautiful All tragedy and emotion Displayed Joy and sorrow Lend themselves to more To feeling something We are nothing And continue to be so Unless we let ourselves feel Every single experience Should be craddled, Thought upon, and savoured Our emotions are all that matter Taste the hope and the despair Let it move you to become more Let your joy and your pain free Allow them to guide your actions Do not hold back Emotions are what speak to people What keep us all connected The means for one person to become All people I look back at older posts or older journals and I get scared. So much was different and yet, so much stays the same. You learn things, you make mistakes, but what if you are doomed to r...
Productivity I am actually getting work done today. This is good. Spring is coming along and that makes me happy. Carlos and I are giving it one last shot and I really hope that everything will work out. That would make me happy as well. I have sooooo many projects and assignments due within the next few weeks that I'm actually going a little mental. I should all work out tho. I have my fingers crossed and I'm trying to get everything planned. Freaking school.
I think i may be finished with blogging soon. Comments are kool and everything but when no one comments on the important things, then it doesn't really matter anyways. Then again, at least I have everything online from years and years, that is pretty kool. God my heart hurts over and over again. You have all these plans and hopes and ideas and then you get to see them all go to shit. I give way too many second chances. Everyone even tells me so. And what do i expect? Well I get it now. And i'm done, it just hurts. I have to leave as soon as possible because i can't do it anymore. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic. I really feel like this and I'm really shedding tears. So many tears.
I I have spent a long time trying to think of what to write for this personal narrative. I considered writing about my mother, my spirituality, and a toy horse I had as a child named Buster, but none of these seemed to capture anything that was currently on my mind. Recently I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out just what kind of person I am trying to become. I believe that the consequences of a specific event from my childhood have really shaped and guided my values. The event I am referring to is my grandmother obtaining custody of me as a small child. I know this is a very personal topic, but it also has the most meaning for me. Being able to spend such a big part of my life with such a special person has had a huge impact on the type of person I am constantly striving to be. I seem to have come into this world under quite unfavourable circumstances. My mother was not well, my father did not want to believe that I was his, and on top of this, I was deli...
Hang Over Blues I went out last night to Club Tonic. I have been sooooo tired all day!!! But, it was worth it. I had a lot of fun! Andrew is back from the Philippines and he came out AND Adoni got back from Australia and he came out too! It was pretty awesome. Also Kelly and Raquel really made me laugh last nite. Especially Kelly with her goofy dance moves. Man i'm tired tho. Grocery shopping today was tough. I'm not supposed to drink with the medication I have to take but I barely go out like that and one time can't hurt too much. (although i have like zero energy today) I have all these projects to work on too but I just ate so I feel kinda better. I have to do this big interactive non-linear powerpoint presentation so we'll see how that goes. Carlos is gonna help me, thank god, but I just wanna play MarioKart and go to bed.