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I just feel like everything is a big fat blah right now.
I'm angry at so many things that I can't even stop and think about everything wonderful that I have in my life. It's like this all consuming hatred. And beneath that hatred, it's all fear. Fear of losing myself, fear of losing everything I told myself I wouldn't, fear of losing my passion and my self-conviction, fear of losing my way, and most of all, fear of losing my Nana.
Lately I feel like that little kid that always has the rain cloud over him, or maybe like Eeyore. And I don't like Eeyore! It's not normally my nature to be pessimistic or apathetic, but lately that is what I am all the time. I'm just so frustrated that I almost don't give a shit anymore.
The other day I said the stupidest thing to myself to, I thought that I would rather be dead then go through another day. But that's a lie. That's a huge fucking lie and I can't believe that such a stupid thought passed by in my head. I want to be alive, I want to accomplish things, I want to love and be loved and I just want to live. How could I have even thought that? Maybe I just need a change of scene.
Maybe this whole moving thing will make things better.
That is honestly what I am banking on. Starting new, fixing everything up nice. Loving where I am and who I am with. And just being okay... Because the truth is that for the past while, I have not been okay. This isn't who I am.

Comments

Lys_libre said…
hope you get better.
8:56 pm
lawr said…
spring is gross and the weather is all depressing with all the rain.. your mood always seemed to go with weather, so maybe that could be a part of it too.. summer is soon min!! :)
i hope things start working out better now with the move and whatever else. i'm supposed to be the complainy one, not you!! tsk tsk..
*hug* cheer up!
11:25 am
Mindy said…
Yeah, maybe that's it!
When the sun starts coming out, I'll be back to my old self. THanks :)
7:58 am
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