Trying to figure myself out.
Ok... I've been thinking of how to start this post and there are so many ways. It's just something I want to talk about. I want to reveal part of myself that no one ever sees but if I do it I don't want people to be like "I think Melinda's depressed" "Melinda, why are you so sad, you have blah blah blah and blah blah blah" or anything like that. It's just how I am, at least how I am tonight. i'm not always like this and I don't want people thinking that I am crazy. It's not really anything, just part of me I guess.
So my eyes are all red and puffy because I was crying. I watched Joan of Arcadia and so I cried. The thing is... at first I am crying because of the show (although tonight it wasn't even that sad) and then after I am just crying because I want to cry. It's like it is in me. I feel an emotion in the show and I cry but sooner or later it has nothing left to do with the show. I am just crying because I want to cry. I'm not even sure about what. When Kim and I were together, I would just cry sometimes. He'd always ask why but I could never answer (i'd make stuff up so that he woudln't think i was crazy) because really there isn't a direct reason. I just felt like crying because of this deep rooted saddness in me. I'm so used to covering it up too. I watched Joan and I could have just sat there crying afterwards. I'm not sure how long I could go if I knew no one would hear me. I went to the bathroom and I sat on the floor and I just kept crying. And then I had a deja vu of like 150 times before. Growing up... I would always cry in the bathroom whenever I felt bad but I didn't want anyone to know. Which was not all the time but fairly often. I thoughtno one would hear me or know but i guess sometimes it was obvious after i'd get into an argument with my granny or aunt and then run into the bathroom... heh well unless confrontation had to make me pee or something. ok ok trying to really talk about this. So ya I was sitting there crying and I thought "how many times have I been here?" and then I wondered why I always feel the need to cover it up and not let anyone know. Mayeb it is because I am afraid people will think I am crazy. Maybe it is because I can't explain why I am crying and I know someone will ask. Maybe it is just because I like to cry alone on the cold bathroom floor. I don't know.
I know a lot of the times when I was little it was because I didn't want my granny to know that I was crying. I didn't want her to feel bad because I was sad because somehow I knew she would relate it to i dunno... she'd just think i was unhappy. I mean when I am crying I am obviously not happy. BUt usually I am happy and I just don't want her to ever think that what she provides me with isn't enough. Ya.. that's the other thing. I always wanted to be strong. It's kind of like I knew everyone worried about me with my mother and stuff and how it affected me so I didn't want anyone to feel that I couldn't handle that Or ... I dunno... that it was affecting me.
Why am I posting this now? I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure out why I am crying now.
Right that's what i wanted to mention... when i start to cry and like not just for a show, when it goes passed that... it touches and brings out this deep well over inner saddness. I think that for me it's just always there. I can't always reach it but It's in me. I don't know why. It is like I am connected to the saddness of the whole world. I hope that doesn't sound like I assume to know about the pain everyone in existence has ever felt because I don't mean that I'm just trying to explain what it feels like. I'm connected to something. Why is what I am connected to so sad tho? I'm really not sure. Maybe I am crazy afterall. Who knows
You'd think I should just get someone to hold me or something and just let it all out but you know what? I can't really cry with other people around... I've taught myself how to practically stop on cue... well more like hold it in till the person passes by the hall and then let it back out. I've always hid it. again i was sitting on the bathroom crying and I heard my aunt cough and all of a sudden I went dead silent. Then i realized it, like caught myself doing it. So I'm not sure if it would ever fully be able to cry the way i can if someone was around. Sometimes with kim i would cry but I would try to stop it because well... he would want an explanation that I could never provide. so ya i was crying , she coughed and i totally went still ... How is anyone supposed to really know me if they've never seen that side of me which i think is so mixed into who i am. No one has ever seen me crying that way ever. Ever ever ever... Maybe I can only do it if I am alone... Maybe it has to do with being alone. I really don't know.
Things do affect me though, I still cry about the whole situation with my mom... Not always but sometimes but I dunno, it is like that is also a gate that leads to the flood. I'll start off crying about that or how no one really wanted me and if it wasn't for my granny I wouldn't be here anyways because my mother would have killed us both. Or how the only reason I am here is because it was too late for me to be aborted. Ouch... ya ok that hurts ... really hurts but it just opens the gates so I can really cry about something else. The well...
God I don't know if I can bring myself to publish this.
I didn't even write everything I wanted to. That's all I can give for now but i think it might be a step... i dunno.
Just I'm not always this sad but it's always in me... If you can understand that. When I am happy, I am not faking it... i'm really a happy smiley person but somehow this is what is undernearth it all. And it's no one's fault. My granny, aunt and uncle and even my mother loved me when I was growing up so I wasn't like inadequately loved. It is just what I am connected to. understand that or not, it makes sense to me.
Ok... I've been thinking of how to start this post and there are so many ways. It's just something I want to talk about. I want to reveal part of myself that no one ever sees but if I do it I don't want people to be like "I think Melinda's depressed" "Melinda, why are you so sad, you have blah blah blah and blah blah blah" or anything like that. It's just how I am, at least how I am tonight. i'm not always like this and I don't want people thinking that I am crazy. It's not really anything, just part of me I guess.
So my eyes are all red and puffy because I was crying. I watched Joan of Arcadia and so I cried. The thing is... at first I am crying because of the show (although tonight it wasn't even that sad) and then after I am just crying because I want to cry. It's like it is in me. I feel an emotion in the show and I cry but sooner or later it has nothing left to do with the show. I am just crying because I want to cry. I'm not even sure about what. When Kim and I were together, I would just cry sometimes. He'd always ask why but I could never answer (i'd make stuff up so that he woudln't think i was crazy) because really there isn't a direct reason. I just felt like crying because of this deep rooted saddness in me. I'm so used to covering it up too. I watched Joan and I could have just sat there crying afterwards. I'm not sure how long I could go if I knew no one would hear me. I went to the bathroom and I sat on the floor and I just kept crying. And then I had a deja vu of like 150 times before. Growing up... I would always cry in the bathroom whenever I felt bad but I didn't want anyone to know. Which was not all the time but fairly often. I thoughtno one would hear me or know but i guess sometimes it was obvious after i'd get into an argument with my granny or aunt and then run into the bathroom... heh well unless confrontation had to make me pee or something. ok ok trying to really talk about this. So ya I was sitting there crying and I thought "how many times have I been here?" and then I wondered why I always feel the need to cover it up and not let anyone know. Mayeb it is because I am afraid people will think I am crazy. Maybe it is because I can't explain why I am crying and I know someone will ask. Maybe it is just because I like to cry alone on the cold bathroom floor. I don't know.
I know a lot of the times when I was little it was because I didn't want my granny to know that I was crying. I didn't want her to feel bad because I was sad because somehow I knew she would relate it to i dunno... she'd just think i was unhappy. I mean when I am crying I am obviously not happy. BUt usually I am happy and I just don't want her to ever think that what she provides me with isn't enough. Ya.. that's the other thing. I always wanted to be strong. It's kind of like I knew everyone worried about me with my mother and stuff and how it affected me so I didn't want anyone to feel that I couldn't handle that Or ... I dunno... that it was affecting me.
Why am I posting this now? I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure out why I am crying now.
Right that's what i wanted to mention... when i start to cry and like not just for a show, when it goes passed that... it touches and brings out this deep well over inner saddness. I think that for me it's just always there. I can't always reach it but It's in me. I don't know why. It is like I am connected to the saddness of the whole world. I hope that doesn't sound like I assume to know about the pain everyone in existence has ever felt because I don't mean that I'm just trying to explain what it feels like. I'm connected to something. Why is what I am connected to so sad tho? I'm really not sure. Maybe I am crazy afterall. Who knows
You'd think I should just get someone to hold me or something and just let it all out but you know what? I can't really cry with other people around... I've taught myself how to practically stop on cue... well more like hold it in till the person passes by the hall and then let it back out. I've always hid it. again i was sitting on the bathroom crying and I heard my aunt cough and all of a sudden I went dead silent. Then i realized it, like caught myself doing it. So I'm not sure if it would ever fully be able to cry the way i can if someone was around. Sometimes with kim i would cry but I would try to stop it because well... he would want an explanation that I could never provide. so ya i was crying , she coughed and i totally went still ... How is anyone supposed to really know me if they've never seen that side of me which i think is so mixed into who i am. No one has ever seen me crying that way ever. Ever ever ever... Maybe I can only do it if I am alone... Maybe it has to do with being alone. I really don't know.
Things do affect me though, I still cry about the whole situation with my mom... Not always but sometimes but I dunno, it is like that is also a gate that leads to the flood. I'll start off crying about that or how no one really wanted me and if it wasn't for my granny I wouldn't be here anyways because my mother would have killed us both. Or how the only reason I am here is because it was too late for me to be aborted. Ouch... ya ok that hurts ... really hurts but it just opens the gates so I can really cry about something else. The well...
God I don't know if I can bring myself to publish this.
I didn't even write everything I wanted to. That's all I can give for now but i think it might be a step... i dunno.
Just I'm not always this sad but it's always in me... If you can understand that. When I am happy, I am not faking it... i'm really a happy smiley person but somehow this is what is undernearth it all. And it's no one's fault. My granny, aunt and uncle and even my mother loved me when I was growing up so I wasn't like inadequately loved. It is just what I am connected to. understand that or not, it makes sense to me.
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