Alone alone alone alone alone alone alone
superman's dead?
So I am just thinking that if this idea of soulmates and a real kind of everlasting love between two people does not exist then I am just living under and for false pretenses.
I am really in pain about something and I am not sure what it is. First of all, I'm not sure if it is real to begin with because I just got off of the pill and I am sure that all of my hormones are out of whack. But whenever i just have time to stop and think, I feel bad. I mean sometimes I am happy, and genuinely so, but this feeling just always comes back.
Is it because my relationship with Chris is over? I guess that is probably it, or at least a big part of it. I know that it is the right decision so it is not doubt that is causing me pain. Maybe it is just that I wanted to bad so find that everlasting kind of love and it is just further proof that I did not and maybe cannot. I guess I am worried about never being able to find it... or it finding me for that matter.
It could also be because the routine of my life for the past couple of years is going to change in a big way. I am looking forward to all the changes for sure, but maybe I'm also a little scared and a little bit sad about some things... I don't even know.
I just want the feelings to go away. Well I mean... at the same time I am thankful that I feel them. I think that it makes me a better person and it for sure makes me a better wannabe poet.
I think in my relationship with Chris I really lost touch with myself. While it is true that I am usually a happy person, I do have a darker side and I do get sad about stuff sometimes, well normally anyways. But with Chris, the darker side freaked him out and emotions scare him so I guess I just learned to turn it off. Maybe not turn it off, but I didn't express myself as much andI didn't really let myself think too much. I was angry a lot, that's for sure. but I don't think I wrote one single poem the whole time I was with Chris. Well except for one and that was in memory of someone from the past. blah blah blah all that to say that I think the emotions are coming back to me and I am not really used to dealing with them anymore.
Another thing bothering me is that no one really knows me. They know for sure what I let them see, but I don't think anyone really gets me. My granny may be the closest but I never really let her know when I am in pain for fear of causing her pain. I guess that is what everyone does with the people that they love. Still, I would like very much for someone to know me. To know me and to value me in my entirity.
I think that I also have to value myself a little bit more constantly. Some days I love myself and some days, not so much. I think everyone has days like that. But I want to be more independent and more confident in myself. I think i depend on other people to have confidence in me and to see something, instead of me seeing it for myself. I want to be able to do my thing where ever I am and not let my happiness depend on someone else being there or saying nice things to me. I don't want to change my schedule around to accomodate other people and their needs. I mean well sometimes I can do that, but only if they are doing the same for me.
I'm really tired lately so I guess that I will go to bed now.
http://artists.letssingit.com/jimmy-eat-world-lyrics-23-jqhxqdl
i tried to copy and paste this song... but it wouldn't keep the lines and spaces right. anywho... that's the song on my mind tonight. in some way it sums up how i feel but it wouldn't be about chris.
superman's dead?
So I am just thinking that if this idea of soulmates and a real kind of everlasting love between two people does not exist then I am just living under and for false pretenses.
I am really in pain about something and I am not sure what it is. First of all, I'm not sure if it is real to begin with because I just got off of the pill and I am sure that all of my hormones are out of whack. But whenever i just have time to stop and think, I feel bad. I mean sometimes I am happy, and genuinely so, but this feeling just always comes back.
Is it because my relationship with Chris is over? I guess that is probably it, or at least a big part of it. I know that it is the right decision so it is not doubt that is causing me pain. Maybe it is just that I wanted to bad so find that everlasting kind of love and it is just further proof that I did not and maybe cannot. I guess I am worried about never being able to find it... or it finding me for that matter.
It could also be because the routine of my life for the past couple of years is going to change in a big way. I am looking forward to all the changes for sure, but maybe I'm also a little scared and a little bit sad about some things... I don't even know.
I just want the feelings to go away. Well I mean... at the same time I am thankful that I feel them. I think that it makes me a better person and it for sure makes me a better wannabe poet.
I think in my relationship with Chris I really lost touch with myself. While it is true that I am usually a happy person, I do have a darker side and I do get sad about stuff sometimes, well normally anyways. But with Chris, the darker side freaked him out and emotions scare him so I guess I just learned to turn it off. Maybe not turn it off, but I didn't express myself as much andI didn't really let myself think too much. I was angry a lot, that's for sure. but I don't think I wrote one single poem the whole time I was with Chris. Well except for one and that was in memory of someone from the past. blah blah blah all that to say that I think the emotions are coming back to me and I am not really used to dealing with them anymore.
Another thing bothering me is that no one really knows me. They know for sure what I let them see, but I don't think anyone really gets me. My granny may be the closest but I never really let her know when I am in pain for fear of causing her pain. I guess that is what everyone does with the people that they love. Still, I would like very much for someone to know me. To know me and to value me in my entirity.
I think that I also have to value myself a little bit more constantly. Some days I love myself and some days, not so much. I think everyone has days like that. But I want to be more independent and more confident in myself. I think i depend on other people to have confidence in me and to see something, instead of me seeing it for myself. I want to be able to do my thing where ever I am and not let my happiness depend on someone else being there or saying nice things to me. I don't want to change my schedule around to accomodate other people and their needs. I mean well sometimes I can do that, but only if they are doing the same for me.
I'm really tired lately so I guess that I will go to bed now.
http://artists.letssingit.com/jimmy-eat-world-lyrics-23-jqhxqdl
i tried to copy and paste this song... but it wouldn't keep the lines and spaces right. anywho... that's the song on my mind tonight. in some way it sums up how i feel but it wouldn't be about chris.
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