Another Theory
I've taught myself or I've been classically conditioned to never put all my eggs in one basket (okay bad expression especially since it's Easter tomorrow) but it's what comes to mind. I've let myself, no, I've been really hurt in the past and everytime it's just shown me a little more not to put all my trust, hope (love) with one person. Instead, to always keep a back-up or other options in case the current one blows up in my face. If not, then what are you left with and how can you go on? It hurts so much when you think you are or you are in love with something and then they break your heart.
I am now realizing that with this strategy I'll never be able to be truly in love and truly happy. You always have to keep the other options alive and therefore you never give your all to the one you think you could love. I won't give him all of my heart. I always think about who I'd be with if not the person who I am currently with. Not specifically with Jesse now, but I've been doing this for a very long time. Ill never fully commit to someone this way and therefore I won't let myself fall (in love).
I need to change this, I see it now. But what will happen if I get hurt? That's what i think about. Jesse asked what I'd do if he broke up with me and I right away thought (well first panic that he might want to really break up) how I would save myself. I thought about my girlfriends & icecream & also about other guys. See but that's not what I want, as bad as I could let myself get hurt or be hurt; I want complete love and I think this only way is to feel completely devastated if the man I fully let myself love, broke up with me. I think I want to let myself completely be in love with Jesse. I'm just not sure I know how to do that anymore...
It's so much easier to let myself turn cold and not let someone in or think about how easy it would be to get them out if I did let them in.
I've taught myself or I've been classically conditioned to never put all my eggs in one basket (okay bad expression especially since it's Easter tomorrow) but it's what comes to mind. I've let myself, no, I've been really hurt in the past and everytime it's just shown me a little more not to put all my trust, hope (love) with one person. Instead, to always keep a back-up or other options in case the current one blows up in my face. If not, then what are you left with and how can you go on? It hurts so much when you think you are or you are in love with something and then they break your heart.
I am now realizing that with this strategy I'll never be able to be truly in love and truly happy. You always have to keep the other options alive and therefore you never give your all to the one you think you could love. I won't give him all of my heart. I always think about who I'd be with if not the person who I am currently with. Not specifically with Jesse now, but I've been doing this for a very long time. Ill never fully commit to someone this way and therefore I won't let myself fall (in love).
I need to change this, I see it now. But what will happen if I get hurt? That's what i think about. Jesse asked what I'd do if he broke up with me and I right away thought (well first panic that he might want to really break up) how I would save myself. I thought about my girlfriends & icecream & also about other guys. See but that's not what I want, as bad as I could let myself get hurt or be hurt; I want complete love and I think this only way is to feel completely devastated if the man I fully let myself love, broke up with me. I think I want to let myself completely be in love with Jesse. I'm just not sure I know how to do that anymore...
It's so much easier to let myself turn cold and not let someone in or think about how easy it would be to get them out if I did let them in.
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