"I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time. "

I just watched Joan of Arcadia. I know it is a little sad how I always talk about it but I really love that show. She is supposed to be playing a girl in highschool but I can relate so well to everything. Sometimes I think i am really like her or she is really like me but I suppose everyone can feel that way and I'm probably not actually like her.

Anyways... I want to be closer to people, only I don't know who. Maybe it's too late. I want that bond you have between siblings and since I'm an only child, that is pretty hard to achieve. I want people who get to see my best and my worst and me theirs. I want people to really really love and people to also get into really bad, awful, terrible arguments with. I have close friends, people who have known me since I was pretty small but they do not truly truly know me. I think you have to live with someone to really know them, at least the way I want to know a few people. At the same time, it is hard to want this (besides it being impossible) because I also desperately need my own space. If I don't get enough time for myself, watch out... So right... I guess I don't really know what I want. Or, I know what I want at the moment and it will change, as it always does.

I can't believe I am 20 and I still feel so utterly lost at times. I would have thought I would know myself by now or at least most of myself. The truth is I (still) don't think I am even close.