Sometimes I am paralized by this fear of failure. What if I am not a good teacher? What if I cannot pass my stage? What if all the work and planning is too much for me? I know that I do not usually fail anything, but the fear is still always there. You can even put it in a more general context. What if I don't achieve my life's purpose? What if I am not a good person/mother/wife/friend? What if I end up unhappy or make someone else unhappy? What if I am not a good driver? What if one day I do something stupid and cause an accident? I know that thinking positive and not always worrying about stuff is the key to being able to live but sometimes I just have all these doubts and worries. And I hate them. I want to be self-confident and I want to be someone who really lives. Not someone who is constantly anxious. And I'm not. I always push myself and it is rare for me to give up on anything (or anyone). I see people who appear to be super confident and assertive all of the time and I just want to be a little more like that. I mean some of the ones I have seen are not very smart at all. They do and say stupid things all of the time and yet they just keep going and are still confident. It blows my mind but I guess in terms of living they are doing something right.
Truth is that I will probably be a kick-ass teacher because I do really care and I want to make learning a fun adventure for kids. But still... what if?
You know what I mean? I guess anxiety also can push us forwards. I know that I always get my work and my papers done a little bit early because of the fear of not finishing on time or not doing a good job. So I guess there is some use to it. But maybe I should just be able to get my shit done and not worry about it so much.
I know this may sound mean but whenever there is something I am scared to do, like driving for example, I think of a bunch of people less capable/smart than myself and I think if they can do it then FOR SURE I can. I know it's kind of mean but it gets me going. And you know what is really weird? I never used to be anxious. It just started happening since a few years now. I used to go go-karting or boat racing or whatever and I wouldn't give a fuck. I was wild. I didn't think about everything as much, I just did it. And normally I would win. But now I think more about what could happen and blah blah. I guess everything is some kind of trade off: fun vs safety, confidence vs stupidity, the wise man vs the fool. The fool probably has more fun but is also more likely to walk off of a cliff.
Alright well that's enough. I think the real reason I am writing is because I do not want to get started with my school projects. Sorry about that... I just wasted some of your time. How does it feel? Nawwi'm kidding. Well i mean I could have said everything much more succintly rather than rambling BUT what I am talking about is true. I wonder if people who appear super confident just hide their anxiety better than others. NOt that I'm a headcase either. I'm not always anxious about everything. I'm just saying. Okay enough, i'm done. \sorry ;)