Maybe I don't know what exactly it is that I want in someone. Maybe that's why I picky on a bunch of stuff. Or maybe certain thigs I want are integrale to who I am and what I value. So let's break it down on paper (well... not paper but whatever this is)

What do I really want in a man: (just thought of at random)
-Love
-Loyalty
-Honesty
-Motivation
-Kindness
-Equal responsibility
-Compatibility
-Open
-Spiritual/Philosophical
-A beautiful soul
-Patience
-Empathy
-Practicality
-Intelligence
-Likes and wants kids
-Values family
-Funny
-Encouraging
-Attractive
-Few vices

What do I not want in a man:
-Abusive (verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally, this is a kind of a no duh value)
-Controlling
-Overly jealous
-Lazy
-No ambitions/goals/motivation
-Mean
-Selfish
-Arrogant


I don't think this is helping. I just want a good partnership. I think that I could have it. I don't know. I'm really confused. I don't want to change anybody and I don't want to give up or concede things that I think are really important. Maybe I am too mature. Maybe I don't know how to cut back and live a little. Maybe I am the one overly focused on the future and ambitions, I'm not sure. Maybe I should spend more time partying. Less time at work or at school or doing school work at home or doing house work at home. Maybe I need to just chill. Maybe it's true. Yet I want things, I want a clean house, I want my degree, I want love. I want happiness. I can't be lazy, I don't like lazy. I'm confused. It's so cold when we fight. I hate being cold. And I always want to fix everything. I always want to talk it over... but maybe i don't listen well enough. Maybe I am just too critical :( Maybe everything is my fault because I'm too uptight. Maybe I should just live alone because I can't let other people just be the way they want to be.
I wasn't happy with the ways things were with Chris and I'm not happy with the way things are with Carlos now. I love Carlos though, and I loved Chris. So why isn't that just enough? I really want things to work out with Carlos. I want a happy future for the both of us. But what if I don't have much of a future. What if I am going to die in one month or one year, will I be happy with the way I spent my time? I want a happy present as well as a happy future.
Maybe I just think too much. I'm always thinking. I can't turn it off sometimes. Am I over-exaggerating? Am I crazy?
Sometimes I wish I had someone that was completely uninvolved and unbiased to give me their opinion. Sometimes you lose your perspective on situations. I want someone to just tell me where I am right and where I am wrong and where Carlos is right and where he is wrong. I know things aren't clearly so black and white. But I also know that if we are having problems, it has something to do with the both of us.
I wish that I could post this. I want some guidance. But I made the mistake of letting too many people see my blog and now it's not my private space anymore. I need a private space but with feedback. Maybe I need a therapist. ha ha ha

Well I am going to post this anyways because my blog is MY blog afterall. And sometimes I just need to work things out like this. Writing helps me the most out of everything. It's therapeutic. And why do I make it public? Well it's really kool to get other people's opinions and thoughts on whatever subject I'm discussing. I don't write to offend anyone or to make drama or anything like that. I just write what I am feeling.