I went to see the proposal tonight with SARAH and her sister.
It was pretty funny actually. I didn't really wanna see it from the beginning but I'm glad I did.
Problem is I cried like off and on throughout the second half of the movie. Especially at the dress scene. It made me realize how badly I wanted that. To get married, to have someone to love and to love me, to be accepted into and loved by another family... And I thought I was close this time. I really put my hopes into it. I think even more than I realized. Until I saw the movie.... I cried and cried. and there was even a grandma and a mom in the movie that reminded me of my family and Carlos' mom I guess a bit and I just cried more and more. I wanted it man. I really did. And now I'm crying some more.
But what can I say? We weren't making it work. I wasn't happy with the way things were. I wanted it to work, I really did. But I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. I can't.
I almost went back tonight when he called. I was going to, and going to talk. But then he didn't want to come pick me up. He wanted me to come walk home alone at 1 am passed the park and everything. Granted something wouldn't necessarily happen to me and probably wouldn't but still. You shouldn't want to take the chance just because you are too tired or lazy to go pick someone up. I mean really. GOD I guess that just makes it a little easier. And not to bash anyone, but it's a little rediculous.
Oh yeah, especially when today I was chatted up and semi-followed by this 53 year old man named Johnny. Who wanted to know if we could get together and if I had a boyfriend and who told me all about his love life and the money he makes and balh blah. It was soo creepy and I hate those situations. I should just be able to say fuck off man, but I can't. I get all creeped out and nervous and fuck i hate that.
Anyways, this blog had a point and the point was that I'm sad. I know what I wanted in my heart and I know that it's not working. and it makes me so fucking sad it's unbelieveable. I love him man, I really do but I can't keep going through the same stuff day after day. or day after day, 3-5 day okay, and then day after day. How can you love someone and yet be miserable. It doesn't even make sense. My heart hurts, my eyes hurt. And yeah I'm emotional. Over emotional? Pyschotic? I'm not sure about that. Obviously I feel and I have emotions and they're deep. 1. i'm a scorpio and 2. i'm as mother fucking close to being a poet as I can be SO yeah emotions are important to me. THey are me. And I don't really feel bad for that.
Sadness and angry I guess are what's going on here.
It's all gone man. And I have to restart and retry and I don't think I wanna go through this anymore. SO that's my bullshit talk about no strings and love coming and going and not getting so involved. Because I don't want to feel like this. It hurts a lot. At least I know that I really loved him, or else it wouldn't hurt like this. So there's my heart poured out.
And what? This is who I am.
It was pretty funny actually. I didn't really wanna see it from the beginning but I'm glad I did.
Problem is I cried like off and on throughout the second half of the movie. Especially at the dress scene. It made me realize how badly I wanted that. To get married, to have someone to love and to love me, to be accepted into and loved by another family... And I thought I was close this time. I really put my hopes into it. I think even more than I realized. Until I saw the movie.... I cried and cried. and there was even a grandma and a mom in the movie that reminded me of my family and Carlos' mom I guess a bit and I just cried more and more. I wanted it man. I really did. And now I'm crying some more.
But what can I say? We weren't making it work. I wasn't happy with the way things were. I wanted it to work, I really did. But I couldn't stay in a relationship like that. I can't.
I almost went back tonight when he called. I was going to, and going to talk. But then he didn't want to come pick me up. He wanted me to come walk home alone at 1 am passed the park and everything. Granted something wouldn't necessarily happen to me and probably wouldn't but still. You shouldn't want to take the chance just because you are too tired or lazy to go pick someone up. I mean really. GOD I guess that just makes it a little easier. And not to bash anyone, but it's a little rediculous.
Oh yeah, especially when today I was chatted up and semi-followed by this 53 year old man named Johnny. Who wanted to know if we could get together and if I had a boyfriend and who told me all about his love life and the money he makes and balh blah. It was soo creepy and I hate those situations. I should just be able to say fuck off man, but I can't. I get all creeped out and nervous and fuck i hate that.
Anyways, this blog had a point and the point was that I'm sad. I know what I wanted in my heart and I know that it's not working. and it makes me so fucking sad it's unbelieveable. I love him man, I really do but I can't keep going through the same stuff day after day. or day after day, 3-5 day okay, and then day after day. How can you love someone and yet be miserable. It doesn't even make sense. My heart hurts, my eyes hurt. And yeah I'm emotional. Over emotional? Pyschotic? I'm not sure about that. Obviously I feel and I have emotions and they're deep. 1. i'm a scorpio and 2. i'm as mother fucking close to being a poet as I can be SO yeah emotions are important to me. THey are me. And I don't really feel bad for that.
Sadness and angry I guess are what's going on here.
It's all gone man. And I have to restart and retry and I don't think I wanna go through this anymore. SO that's my bullshit talk about no strings and love coming and going and not getting so involved. Because I don't want to feel like this. It hurts a lot. At least I know that I really loved him, or else it wouldn't hurt like this. So there's my heart poured out.
And what? This is who I am.
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