It's very rare that I ever feel like life isn't worth it. And even writing this, I know deep down it is not true. But to me life and love are the same. The point of life is all about love and whatever ensues from that. And right now I want to die. I'm not in love anymore, I'm just in pain. I don't really want to die or anything because I know eventually I will heal and things will get better and someone will come along and it will work. but right now I just don't want to feel any of this. I knew I would, but i still don't want to hurt like this.
I'm going to take a bath and go to bed, and if i can't sleep, i'm going to try to get lost in a book. I work again tomorrow 8-5pm and I'm going to turn my phone off tonight because I can't be on this emotional rollercoaster anymore. I'm almost physically sick right now.
So it's over. Over for real. No more fake break-ups or day long break-ups or hour long ones or anything, just over. I will take my stuff out as soon as I can. And I will pay half the rent for two months. By that time we should be able to get out of the lease or at least have someone sublet. I'm going to use the money I made babysitting this week, which I still have hours left to do. And I'm going to pay everything I owe and everyone I owe to.
And I'm never going to get myself into a situation like this ever again. There is no arguing and no moving forward with someone who is delusional. And we both think that of each other so it's extra never going anywhere.
My emo of a post. I'm not even going to post it. well i am, and then i'll just get mad at myself for being so stupid in a few days or a month or two. But it will remind me of what happens.